Tuesday, March 9, 2010

How I Ended Up With Mr. Wrong.

I forgot how much fun the dating scene can actually be. I posted this ad on Craigslist and received this response:

That's an awesome gift. What a dumbass. So are you free this Friday?
His loss I'm sure.
Awesome CL ad.
Take it easy.

My instinct says he is a loser who wants nice gifts. But society would tell me I am bitter and focusing on the negative. As luck would have it, a search of his email on Facebook gives us exhibit A in the battle between negative nancy vs. woman's intuition.

Score one for woman's intuition.

I have dated guys I met online before. I am not against the idea, but my experience screams caution. All of them were looking for an instant soulmate. They wanted to date once and fall immediately in love. Oh what a lucky day for me when certain key interests proved I was the one. I like C.S. Lewis and Dragonlance. I collect art and comic books. I have a professional job and play video games. I have a rack and watch anime. It was weird. Anything about me that didn't fit their profile was rejected or explained away. Like this:

Guy: Hey, what do you think about scary movies?

Me: I used to love them, but can't watch them anymore. I get nightmares.

Guy: Well, this new one coming out is something you would really like so we can go see that.

Me: Um, no. I appreciate the thought, but I really can't.

Guy: Wow, some guy must have really screwed you up. I am not him and you can trust me.

Me: This is less about trust and more about my fear of the dark.

Guy: One day you will be able to face how damaged you are and won't reject ideas out of hand.

Me: You are right, when my psyche stops giving me nightmares, I will watch scary movies.

Guy: I know you think you are complicated, but you really aren't. You need to figure out who you are without outside influences. I can be your teacher.

Me: Like that creepy song Father Figure by George Michael? If Lifetime could get the rights, they would make that the theme song for all their movies.

Guy: You use negativity like this to close yourself off emotionally.

Me: Wait, are we talking about the song?

Guy: Look, I know you are the girl for me. It already feels like I have known you forever.
And because I know in my soul that you are who I want to be with, I know you will love this movie.

Me: Have you ever seen a Lifetime movie? You might want to watch one to bone up on what not to say on a first date.

Guy: Just come watch Saw XIVX with me and I will explain it to you so you understand it.

Me: Those movies are pretty self explanatory. It's the images that give me nightmares.

Guy: That's fine, I will stay the night with you. No sex or anything, I just want to be there to take away your fears.

Me: Wait, are you trying to get me to have a nightmare so that you can comfort me or are you trying to seduce me? I can't decide which is worse.

Guy: I can't believe how jaded you are. I know you won't admit this, women never do, but all women really want to be rescued.

Me: I don't want to be rescued.

Guy: I told you that you would say that. I know you so well. We are already working past your trust issues.

Me: Yeah well, unfortunately because of my trust issues, I will have to insist on not letting you drive me home tonight.

Guy: This is why you are still single.

Me: Ditto.

This is exactly why I ended up with my ex. He was the first non-creepy, non-socially stunted guy I met in four years. Of course I fell in love. He saved me from all the weirdos.

Holy Geeze, I really did want to be rescued! From the insane.


  1. You never told me you dated someone on-line? Thank you I would rather read about it after the fact. I really can't believe that guy would say those things to you. Shows how much of a Bazzaro soul-mate he really is. You are truly one of the great ones figuring out when it comes to idiots and bad dates. Kudos to you! It is why I never worry about you and all the losers out there,(except Steve got by for the reasons you stated).

  2. That conversation was combination of three guys. While I did make up the conversation, I could not exaggerate the creepiness.