Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Today was seriously the worst day of this whole mono stint. I am going to gripe and whine and this probably won't be amusing but I have to get it out of my system. So, skip it if you aren't into pity parties. I have a friend who firmly believes in pity parties. She says sometimes life just gets to be too much and you have to put on sack cloth, crawl into a dark closet and give yourself permission to be upset for 24 hours. I don't know if my 24 hours started this morning or right now, but either way I have at least 7 hours left.

I woke up this morning in unbelievable pain. It feels like I have been working out for hours after months of inactivity. Not much of a metaphor since that is exactly what has happened. I am so exhausted I just keep crying. I don't mean to, it just happens. I stop for two seconds and when I think about the next thing I have to do, the tears start rolling. I am on massive ibuprofen doses and they work for a little while in the morning, but today I couldn't even get that relief.

Yesterday I was so proud of myself. I went to work and put in six hours before I went home. I was tired, but it wasn't like I pushed myself. To wake up like this was totally unexpected. I made it to work and hung in there for two hours thinking I would feel better once I was there. I was so relieved when the other assistant came in, I started crying again because I knew I could go home. They would have let me leave earlier, but I just couldn't accept defeat before that two hour mark.

I am so desperately tired of feeling like crap. It seems like I've never been well. I think I have been sick since last September, it has been at least that long since I have felt rested or had any energy. It got easier when the mono finally knocked me down. It was such a relief to know I was sick and not have to worry about what was wrong with me. But now, I'm just discouraged. I know this isn't going to be forever but it feels like it. My mom said this morning that it sounded like I had lost hope. I thought that was silly, I know I am going to get better. But as I sit here writing this I think she might be right. I think that is why I have been crying all day. If I could just get a few moments of relief, I think it would be enough to get me over this next challenge of building my body back up.

I don't even know if I am really better. I my throat still gets sore when I get tired and that can't be because of muscle fatigue. I also know that I am just plain exhausted. Body, mind and soul I am worn thin or worn out. I think I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid to face how I will feel tomorrow. I don't want another day like today.

You know how when your stomach hurts, sometimes you just have to throw up so you can start to recover. Well I just verbally threw up. All over you. Sorry about that, but thanks for being there for a minute with me. I definitely feel better now that I have said all of that.

Or the Nyquil I took in desperation just kicked in. Either way, I think I can sleep now.

1 comment:

  1. I love you sweetie. I wish I could make God heal you, but then that would be pretty scarey if I could make God do anything. Besides, I really do trust Him, but it is hard not to get discouraged even just as a bystander.