Friday, October 1, 2010

A Tale of Two Oceans

My long term disability claim was denied. The letter they sent me is so full of misinformation and discrepancies it isn't funny. I am definitely not laughing. The main reason they denied is because I haven't had sufficient evaluation to back up my claims that it is hindering my memory and concentration. Which is interesting because back about 2 months ago I told them I would be going to Occupational Medicine to get fully evaluated and they told me not to worry about it and that a letter from my doctor would be fine. They also state that "we were in disagreement with the part time work restriction provided by Dr. V based on the available medical data." Also interesting because the letter with the restrictions that Dr. V provided stated that she would refer me to Occupational Medicine if they needed more information. Isn't that odd?

More on that another time. The real reason I posted was to inform you that as I was on the phone talking about this with my mom, I mentioned the dream I had last night. She said she saw my post and was glad I mentioned it because she wanted to tell me about her dream. My mom dreamed she was in Denver and there was a large body of water in the middle of town that she kept calling an ocean.

Cue Twilight Zone music.

A Chris Themed Dream?

Tonight I had a really weird dream with 3 different Chris. I have not idea how to pluralize Chris right now as it is 5:30 in the morning and I am barely awake. Back to the dream. I don't use names on my blog, but I don't really see a way around this and it none of the people I mention are in contact with me now, so I guess it won't matter.

I was in a yellow 4-door sedan. It was old, from the seventies or something like that. Considering I am from the seventies, I would like to rephrase that to say it was middle aged. No, wait, it was, um in the prime of its life? Forget it. Anyway, my mom, dad and aunt were in the backseat. In the front seat was a girl-Kris, and a guy-Chris I used to make out with on occasion when I was about 19. I just reread that and would like to be clear; I only made out with the guy. It wasn't like I was having a threesome with Chris people. Wow, that got weird in a hurry.

The Kris and my parents were in town visiting. We were at some strip mall having just eaten at a restaurant. Kris was driving and decided to get out of the crowded parking lot by backing up onto the walkway in front of the strip mall to drive on the sidewalk around the cars back onto the parking lot. I questioned it and she said it was totally legal where she lives and started backing up. I was sitting in the passenger seat watching the cars beside us. She backed up but turned too soon and ran into the corner of the parked car sitting next to us. I saw this happening but couldn't tell her. Being a dream, I instead had a conversation with my father about how I didn't think she saw the parked cars like I did.

Instead of stopping when she took off the corner of the car, she kept backing up. The line of her trajectory had her scraping along the back of the next three cars in line. We finally yelled at her to stop. Which she did and got out to survey the mess. As we were sizing up the situation, a cop car pulled into the parking lot, flashed its lights once and stopped in front of us. I panicked because I realized I was suddenly sitting in the drivers' seat. There was a quick conversation in the car and we decided to tell the cop that Chris was the one driving. Apparently we came up with a dream-plausible reason for this, in case the cop asked.

The minute the cop walked up to the car, I started flirting. Not because he was attractive, but because I thought we could use all the help we could get. He was attractive though. Not hot exactly, but more my type. Yes, I know that sounds weird. I typically go for unorthodox looking guys. He was tall, with a round face a round middle, beefy upper body and kind eyes. (Yes, I like my guys with some middle, some squish to cuddle against. Six pack abs are hard and uncomfortable.) I must say I was totally on point. The cop was very taken with me and gave me his business card, in case I needed to contact him later with any questions. After he walked away, there was much discussion about my interaction. My father was telling my mom all about how that is how you have to act and gave a compliment akin to "That's my girl."

As we were getting out of the car, I looked at the card with the name Detective Chris Johnson. Mentally deciding that I would indeed have some questions later, I slipped the card into my pocket. Officer Chris came back and asked to speak to me and my father. He told us that in a few moments the officers who would be handling the case would be here and there would be a round of questioning for Make-Out-Chris. He was able to inform us as to the nature of the questioning with out really saying it. (There is a word for that whole phrase, but I am too tired to think of it.) Basically they were going to ask him a bunch of questions about pot. He liked us (me) and wanted to help us (me) out in any way possible, but since he was the first officer on the scene, he could not tell Make-Out-Chris himself.

My dad declined and sent me over to talk to him. Keep in mind that Make-Out-Chris was still 19 in this dream, so I was no longer attracted to him, he was more like a brother or cousin at this point. Before the other officers showed up, I was able to discuss this with him. I should mention that the reason for all this concern was that he was noticeably slow mentally. Not mentally challenged, just not quite quick witted enough to evade all the questioning without prepping.

This was only a dream aspect of Make-Out-Chris. When I was making out with him, he was in no way slow. Also I am not sure if he smoked pot back in the day, but given the crowd, it was highly likely. I am saying this because most people know my aversion to dating anyone who like the herb and understand that both of these things are pretty abnormal for me to be attracted to. Not that it mattered the dream because again, he was 19 and too young for me to be attracted to him.

So the secondary police officers arrive on the scene and Officer Chris drives away IN A WHITE 80s A-TEAM VAN! I kid you not. This van was the exact same, painted white with a blue strip diagonally down the side. To refresh your memory:

I recognized the shape because of the spoiler on top. (Why does a van need a spoiler? I guess since it is driven by Mr. T., I can understand and will not rant.) Sadly, I was suddenly very excited and decided I was definitely going to have some questions later for Officer Chris. Like how the freak he was allowed to have that van as a police car. It. Was. Awesome. Sadly, I am still excited.

The dream fast forwards to a day at the beach with my brothers and a few of their friends. (I don't remember exactly who.) For some reason we were soaked to the skin. Oddly we were still in Colorado. A section of beach and the highway leading away from it were just cut and pasted into the dream by my brain. We stop at a gas station to use the rest room and buy some snacks when they leave without me! Yup. They just totally forget about me and drive off. I am left standing outside.

All I have are the clothes on my back. I can't call my brother to tell him what a dumbass he is because I don't have my cell and don't have his number memorized. I have a minor philosophical conversation with myself about how times have changed and no one memorizes numbers anymore. But then, I reach into my pocket and find (fanfare) Officer Chris' card. It is dilapidated and soggy around the edges, but the number is intact.

I call. Seconds later the white, A-Team van drives up. With my heart all a-flutter at being rescued, I get into the van. We have an awesome, flirty conversation. Apparently I am looking for a job or considering going back to school. He tells me about a job and a school right next door to each other.

Then the dream cuts to me in a restaurant waiting for food. It is now nighttime I am still wet, I think I am now barefoot and a friend is waiting outside to take me home. I go out and tell him that I am still waiting on food, but am going to run next door to get applications for a job I heard about and look at the "school." We are waiting at yet another strip mall, so I have no idea what kind of school this is, but have the vague impression that it is a trade school of some sort. He tells me he is going to drive around the corner to run an errand but will be right back.

I get the applications go back to the restaurant and the lady behind the counter hands me a huge cellophane bag with hot dog buns in it. I take it and she explains that because she is sorry for the wait, she has given me 3 more hot dogs and extra buns, in case I want them later. I am now happy about the $2 hot dog that I purchased since it will give me leftovers for the week. Before that I was angry at the absurd price of $2. And I am elated that the hot dog buns appear to be whole wheat. There is so much wrong here that I can't even comment.

I go outside in time to see the the A-Team van drive off. I get into the car with the giant bag, prompting my friend to comment that I have, "Yet another week's worth of food." I ask him about Officer Chris and he tells me that Chris was checking up on me to make sure I had gotten home safely. My friend told him that I was getting a ride home with him and all was well. Chris then tells him how he also was checking to see if I needed help with the applications because he is certified in paperwork.

Hold on, I have to stop and laugh. Even in the dream we find that ludicrous and have a nice chuckle. I defend Officer Chris by saying that he is kind of a boy scout and really nice guy, so he is not really as goofy as he came off. We sit quietly for a few minutes driving up Broadway. I then turn to my friend and say, "I think I like Officer Chris, is it weird for me to tell you that?" (My friend is about 10 - 15 years older and is more of a fatherly type guy in my life which is why it would be weird to get all twitterpated with him. That is more of a girl to girl conversation in my head I guess.)

And then I wake up. With heartburn. Really, really bad heartburn. What that has to do with the dream, I don't know. Maybe it is all the $2 hotdogs I ate. But it did keep me from going back to sleep which in turn led me to write this all out. So you can thank the heartburn while I curse it.

As I think through my dream again, (I am not going to reread and edit, so just be happy you are getting a post as you judge all the errors.) I am noticing an "I am old" theme running through out along side the Chris theme. Let's not forget the real moral of this story. I would date anyone driving personalized A-Team van.

It is nice to know that nostalgic cheese is the real key to my heart. Like that was a huge secret.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Vacuum Headache

Dad: Oh and your vacuum may not have a headache for a while.
Me: Why?
Dad: I vacuumed up 3 motrin.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Two Conversations

My parents are going on day trips today and tomorrow to give me a couple of days to rest. Sadly, I cannot keep up with my newly retired father who also needs naps every afternoon. Yesterday I was so exhausted, I fell out of my bed trying to get up. Luckily, my bed is close to the floor because I fell pretty hard on the ankle I twisted last month falling off the bottom stair of an establishment onto the sidewalk. I am pretty sure I fell because I went back to sleep as I was rolling out of bed. It all happened very quickly.

My exhaustion has very little to do with my parents being here, other than I find it hard to remain reclined when I am visiting with them. It just feels rude. I am exhausted because I am going through an insomnia spell which happens a lot since I've been sick. I crashed in my hammock chair yesterday afternoon for 3 hours when my mom took my dad back to their hotel for his nap. I woke up feeling refreshed and rested for the first time in a week. Well, first I woke up in a panic because my phone was ringing and I forgot where I was. Which made the whole cocooned in a bunch of rope less comforting and more bondage-y. And not in a good way.

Today my folks went up into Golden and beyond just to check out the little towns. My mom called this afternoon to let me know they would not be back to have dinner with me. She was very excited and asked me to guess what they found out there. I was stumped for a few seconds until I remembered that the route they were taking went right through Black Hawk, our local gambling getaway. I can't believe I forgot about Black Hawk when I was trying to think of places to send them for the day. Anyway here is a snippit of the conversation.

Mom: Your dad won $150 on a penny machine!
Me (glumly): Well don't come back then. Keep going and see if you can win back the $XXX I borrowed from you yesterday.
Mom: That's what I was thinking!

God bless her pea pickin' heart. Seriously. It would make me feel much less guilty.

My second conversation took place after I played a little phone tag with my boss today, when he finally answered my call it went a little something like this:

Me: Hey! How are you?
Boss: I'm doing better than you!
Me: Niiice. Real nice.

I miss him!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Random Classification of My Current Wardrobe

A couple years ago I got the coolest t-shirt from a guy at work who was my Secret Santa that year. He refused to tell me where he bought it; I didn't care because I am awesome at Google. Unfortunately I never looked it up. Now the shirt is getting old and I can't find a new one. Granted I haven't even looked yet. Instead of researching it I spent two hours writing this letter yesterday to my co-worker. I am bored and for some reason this was very entertaining to me. Don't judge.

Also, one day I decided that a shirt I was wearing looked vaguely like it was from the 1920s, so I added a bunch of glass and crystal jewelry. The look was very subtle especially considering I was wearing corduroy pants instead of a dress. I do stuff like that a lot, and frankly I do it to entertain myself. I don't expect anyone to get it. He took one look at me and said, "Wow J, you are looking very Great Gatsby today." So I knew this letter wouldn't totally be out of place to him. Oh and he is straight. Very straight. And also married. Not that it matters, I am so not his type. You know, normal. As evidenced by the email below:

I wrote up this little ditty for you. Please remember I am very bored, which makes me very weird.

Jem & The Holograms - I like to wear this grocery shopping; the store employees tend to talk to me more and give me free samples. People are generally more helpful. I even got a free cab. True Story. I was sitting at a bus stop and a non-creepy cabbie stopped and said he was going down that route anyway, so he would give me a free ride. Of course the ride ended with him giving me his phone number. I am hot, but I prefer to credit the sheer awesomenss of the shirt for all of these free goodies.

Oddly Drawn, Slightly Creepy Monster - This shirt allows me to be grumpy. It scares off the people I probably don’t want to talk to. The people who are amused by it are dark and cynical so they prefer to simply nod in appreciation. If I am feeling like I don’t want to be totally unapproachable, I wear it with a huge vintage turquoise crystal necklace. Then people who like my style will talk to me, but I don’t mind because they probably have a similar sense of amusement and won’t irritate me.

Paris Hilton and Scott Baio - For my ironic look. Both of these shirts pair nicely with my pink NASCAR ball cap. I like to wear my Member’s Only knock off for the full white trash effect. I wear these to gauge people’s reactions. Do they understand I am making a hilarious joke, or are they not worth my time because they think I am serious?

Debbie Harry and Pepsi Challenge - They are non-confrontational and great conversation starters. Nobody hates Debbie or soda. Plus, I have multiple jewelry sets for each to match whatever mood I may be in. Oddly, they also pair nicely with all the plaid shorts I own.

Talk Derby to Me – My favorite T-shirt. I have photographed it with the hat I like to pair it with. The side patches resemble armed forces badges. This allows me to publicly support derby while giving silent props to the Green Barrettes, my favorite team who made me fall in love with the sport. It has been worn and washed so often that it is now faded into a dingy grey. It has also started losing its shape. I was recently distraught to find a stain on the front and panicked thinking it was time to retire the shirt. Thanks to a combination of Spray & Wash, my tears and frantic prayers to the Powers That Be to please give the shirt a reprieve, the stain was removed.

Unfortunately the realization that this shirt is not going to last forever has brought a shadow to my once bright joy. I find myself hesitating to wear the shirt. I pull it from my closet along with my black, pinstriped capris. But as I don the shirt and smooth the stretched fabric into place I think, "Perhaps I should wear something else. I do not plan on leaving the house today. It would be a shame to waste one more day of its life in the quite solitude of my home." And then I put the shirt back in the closet with a sigh. I reach for Scott Baio bolstered in the knowledge that I am strong enough not to squander the happiness of Talk Derby to Me on myself alone.

If only I knew where I could purchase a replacement for this shirt. But alas,
despite numerous attempts to Google the shirt, I have yet to find the answer to my quandary.

This was his response:

Wow Ms., I am impressed. I must say, that was one of the better Secret Santa gifts I have found (well, the remote controlled rat was pretty sweet, especially when we used it to scare the sh!t out of S). I did a quick search of my own and came up with a few results. One suggestion, look up the name of the company on the tag and Google search that along with Talk derby to me.

I still can't find the shirt. Although I still haven't looked. What? I had to reformat all of this to share with you. That took another couple of hours. The good news is that I am getting better with MS Paint so you can probably look forward to more visual aids.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Dr. House Without The Constant Threat of Dying

That is what a friend of mine said my life is like. I think it is the funniest thing I have heard in a while so I am using it for my title in case you missed the post on Facebook.

I am about to give you another update. Before I do, I want to share this with you. This is how my brain works. Most of you are already aware of the random twists and turns and don't even flinch anymore when I blurt out utter nonsense. Even better though is what he said he would do with his body if he was dying from a long chronic illness.

Now for the update. I went to the doctor today. Because Infectious Diseases ruled out an active virus, she is focusing on treating me for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. They are both treated the same way. This is a very long process in itself. We have to try different medications to see what works. Right now that means I will take another Lyrica in the morning in addition to the two I take before bed. She is hoping this will alleviate the pain during the day and that the Adderall will counteract any drowsiness the medicine will cause. If this works, we move on to antidepressants.

I really have no idea why antidepressants are used. I need to do some research into this. My guess would be that it fights the fatigue. This isn't really a physical ailment according to what I've read. They Lyrica stops my nerves from sending false pain messages to my brain. So maybe the antidepressant kick starts my adrenals. I don't know. It doesn't really matter yet so I didn't ask. That's just how I roll.

On the acupuncture front, I am on day two of my no-food diet. That is what I am choosing to call it. I cannot have gluten, dairy, eggs, soy, beans, corn, tomatoes or chocolate. I feel like I left something out. Oh yeah, peanuts. I can't have those, but as my father was fond of repeatedly telling me throughout my childhood, peanuts are not a nut, they are a legume which puts them in the bean family. I can have rice, meat, vegetables and fruit.

Granted it is only day two, but I have to say I think this is going to be way easier than I thought it would be. I am quickly realizing that I have a hard time eating because I have too many choices. Now I walk into the kitchen get some rice, get some lunch meat, steam some vegetables and eat. Before it was always trying to figure out what I wanted to eat, waiting too long and then devouring the easiest thing I could find. My diet had started consisting of pepperoni and goldfish crackers. I prefer a 3 to 1 goldfish:pepperoni ratio. My roommate prefers 2 to 1, so it is all personal preference.

Now that I have limited choices, I am less stressed out. I am wondering if this is a personality flaw. Perhaps if I apply this to other areas of my life, I will be more successful. Like I can take away boredom by declaring, you can read a book or you can play a game. Then I don't have to endlessly cycle through all the options of what I can and can't do for an hour before freaking out and taking a nap because I can't stand thinking about it anymore. I need structure.

I need to go back to work. I need to kill the headache I currently have. What is up with that? I never get headaches. Well I get headaches, but they are always sinus or shoulder related. I never just get a straight up headache in the front of my brain. I guess I wore myself out with laundry yesterday and an outing to the doctor today.

Holy crap, where did this post go? I totally forgot what I was writing about. Well guess what, you can suck it! That sounded mean, but it would be a lot funnier if you could see me making an "x" with my arms over my crotch like my wrestling obsessed brothers used to do.

All that to say, I am not editing this post either. If you made it to the end of this rambling mess, give yourself a gold star. Then eat some chocolate for me. Sadly out of all of this, that is going to be the hardest habit to break.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Why I Should Be Blogging

Yeah, I don't know if you will be able to read all of that. I tried to make it big enough, but I suck at this sort of thing. If you look at the time posted, it was 17 minutes ago. That is a really long time for such a crappy, simple cut and paste. I just wanted to post this because I really should be blogging again. Otherwise, one person bears the brunt of my randomness. That is just too much for a single person to be responsible for.

My biggest issue is that I haven't been reading blogs. Usually I read another blog and then I start to see the world through their eyes. Then I want to post my world because I am seeing it differently and want to share. Maybe I just won't blog in the summer. I really had no desire to even read blogs until Thursday. That was when the weather suddenly shifted.

In Denver there is this weird thing that happens in September. The air suddenly gets its chill back. We will still have hot days. It is supposed to be 90 today. But from this point forward the wind will carry that tiny bit of freezing with it. I believe it is just to remind us that it could now snow at any minute. As a matter of fact, it is a big mistake to give us that little hint. We know it is going to snow the next day when it is 80 degrees and there is not a hint of chill in the air. I call it a temperature tsunami. All the cold gets sucked out of the air and then blows back in carrying massive amounts of snow.

True Story.

Update: You can't read it. But it really isn't important. If you truly think you need to read it, it is on my Facebook page right now. Or you can click on the picture and it will open in another web page. It is a little clearer and you can at least zoom in on the browser to read it. Experiment = Failed. Oh well.

If you would like to see a funny blog where the author doesn't fail go here. It is the blog mentioned in the Facebook post above. Except she has the cajones to cuss in her blog. A lot. So don't go there if that offends you. I would cuss, but I write this mainly for my mom and I don't want to piss off my target group.