Two Conversations

My parents are going on day trips today and tomorrow to give me a couple of days to rest. Sadly, I cannot keep up with my newly retired father who also needs naps every afternoon. Yesterday I was so exhausted, I fell out of my bed trying to get up. Luckily, my bed is close to the floor because I fell pretty hard on the ankle I twisted last month falling off the bottom stair of an establishment onto the sidewalk. I am pretty sure I fell because I went back to sleep as I was rolling out of bed. It all happened very quickly.

My exhaustion has very little to do with my parents being here, other than I find it hard to remain reclined when I am visiting with them. It just feels rude. I am exhausted because I am going through an insomnia spell which happens a lot since I've been sick. I crashed in my hammock chair yesterday afternoon for 3 hours when my mom took my dad back to their hotel for his nap. I woke up feeling refreshed and rested for the first time in a week. Well, first I woke up in a panic because my phone was ringing and I forgot where I was. Which made the whole cocooned in a bunch of rope less comforting and more bondage-y. And not in a good way.

Today my folks went up into Golden and beyond just to check out the little towns. My mom called this afternoon to let me know they would not be back to have dinner with me. She was very excited and asked me to guess what they found out there. I was stumped for a few seconds until I remembered that the route they were taking went right through Black Hawk, our local gambling getaway. I can't believe I forgot about Black Hawk when I was trying to think of places to send them for the day. Anyway here is a snippit of the conversation.

Mom: Your dad won $150 on a penny machine!
Me (glumly): Well don't come back then. Keep going and see if you can win back the $XXX I borrowed from you yesterday.
Mom: That's what I was thinking!

God bless her pea pickin' heart. Seriously. It would make me feel much less guilty.

My second conversation took place after I played a little phone tag with my boss today, when he finally answered my call it went a little something like this:

Me: Hey! How are you?
Boss: I'm doing better than you!
Me: Niiice. Real nice.

I miss him!

55 Shopping Days Until My Birthday!

This will be the first year I have ever taken my birthday off from work. My mom will be in town that week and if I ever do get back to work, I figured it would be the only day I could probably guilt them into letting me take. Birthdays trump mono. Most everyone I know takes a day off for their birthday. I don't get it personally. It's the one day that everyone has to be nice to you. In my office they put up an banner at your desk to announce it. Then, even the people who don't like you have to say something nice or avoid you altogether. Either way it is a win-win.

Ever since high school, I have big on the notification process. There are people I haven't seen in years who could probably still tell you when my birthday is. I make sure everyone has plenty of warning. I like to start about three weeks out. A month just seems needy. One day I heard someone complaining that no one ever remembered their birthday. I suddenly realized that we all just sit back and hope that someone recognizes it is our day and end up being severely disappointed when they don't. I decided I wasn't going to let that happen anymore. I was so bad that anytime I got near a calendar, I would make sure that I wrote it on the correct day. When I was able to start accessing people's electronic calendars, I was ecstatic and a little out of control. Let me tell you, it worked like a dream. On my birthday, I get all the attention I could ever want.

There was a time in my twenties when I started throwing myself large birthday parties. It was important to me that I have a lot of people around me on that day. I had a boyfriend pass away when I was twenty. We had the same birthday. When that day came around the following year, I was terrified to be alone. For a long time after that, I continued to make sure I was surrounded by people that loved me on that day. I don't know that I told more than one or two people, I didn't really want their sympathy, I just wanted them to be there.

One year I threw a party at a huge park back in Oregon. I invited everyone I knew and made presents mandatory. I know people say they don't want presents, but I just can't believe that could possibly be true. I made sure to specify that I didn't care what they got me as long as it was wrapped up. I got two of my all time favorite gifts that year. Lawn gnomes. They were awesome. Unfortunately, they were eventually stolen, but I will never forget Fungi and Dumpy. Fungi held a mushroom. I guess Dumpy was supposed to be put behind a plant to look like he was hiding behind it. But, since I've never had plants, he just looked like he was getting ready to take a poo.

At my last job, I was so annoying to one of my teammates, I thought she was going to smack me. I didn't realize how bad I was until I was thrown a surprise birthday party by our clients. People I had never met before brought in a cake and sang Happy Birthday to me. The next day as we were checking out of our hotel and packing up the car to head for the airport, one of the housecleaning ladies yelled a parting birthday wish to me. My coworker could only stare at me in awe, unable to say a word.

I have that affect on people. I finally decided that maybe I was a little too old and too professional to be playing up my need for attention after I started my current job. Two weeks before my birthday, my boss came in and announced, "Happy Birthday! How does it feel to be a year older?" Everyone looked at me and I just shook my head and said my birthday wasn't for another two weeks. He looked at me funny and then said that the alarm on his phone had gone off at 4:00 in the morning with a reminder that it was my birthday. I was mortified. I had put my birthday on his calendar and set the reminder to go off two weeks early. I thought it would be funny to tell him he had two weeks to shop for my birthday. It was funny. To everyone else in the office it was hilarious. But that wasn't the worst part.

In all the blushing, stammering and apologizing, I forgot I had set it to repeat every year. My boss didn't think it was as funny the second year around.

What This World Needs Is More Genuflecting

We discussed my lack of fear for authority figures. It should also be documented that I hate brown nosing. I have a real respect for the talent it takes to manage a pleasing balance of groveling and complimenting. I just can't quite bring myself to do it. I have a very hard time lying and it shows all over my face. I can lie. I just have to make sure that I don't realize I am lying. Which is usually a lie of omission, but can be me talking about something that isn't that important. Then it just comes out as a bit of embellishment.

Like lying most of my life is unintentional. This has its own set of unique advantages and problems. The advantage is that I just let life happen, sit back and enjoy the ride. It makes my life pretty much worry free. I say or do things without thinking about it and they generally work to my advantage. The down side of this is that I just let life happen, sit back and enjoy the ride until I start hitting major problems. Then I spend all my time reacting to and trying to contain the consequences of my inactions. That part can really suck. I don't have anyone to blame but myself, and because I have let matters pile up so badly I end up in crisis mode desperately trying to get my life back in order.

While there are a lot of things I am learning to make intentional choices about, there is one thing that will never change. My complete lack of physical grace is definitely here to stay. I don't know if it has to do with my ADD, but I am incredibly clumsy. My mom once told my ex-boyfriend that she loves watching me walk across linoleum because it is even more obvious that I trip over nothing but my own feet. That is because my mind wanders and I forget to pick up my feet. This also causes me to drop stuff all the time. I get distracted, forget that I am holding something and relax my hand. No joke.

I also have poor fine motor functioning. Shakes McGee actually comes from the fact that my hands are always shaking so I started telling people who noticed, "That's why they call me Shakes McGee." Weird non-explanation, but people just accept it. This is a perfect example of lying without knowing it. Before this blog, no one called me Shakes McGee. Right now most of my friends just found out where the hell that name comes from. I am giggling thinking about how they wanted to ask but thought it was something they should know. Luckily for you peeps, one of those friends has reminded me of an example that includes all of those clumsy traits so you can get an idea of how it affects my life.

Our office is set up for the most part without cubicle walls. One side of the room has half walls that you can see over and the other side has none at all. There is a walkway that leads between those two sections. About six months after I started working there, I was walking down the Aisle of Doom to my desk, minding my own business when I noticed a paperclip on the floor. Without stopping, still looking forward, I knelt down to pick it up. Due to a lack of fine motor skills, I missed it the first time so without looking I grabbed for it again. When I missed it a second time, I looked down. It was at this point I forgot that I was still walking. My body continued to move forward while my hand reach backward.

Fortunately the body is a wonderful thing and very quickly worked to maintain balance by bringing the knee of my back leg down. This allowed me to keep moving forward because it lengthened my body. Unfortunately, it halted the walking process as I was not able to lift my foot to take the next step. My body, acting under last known orders, still tried to take that step by dragging my back knee forward bringing my other knee down for support. My brain, still unaware of our predicament, failed to give the required "stop" signal. Since my body is very determined, it continued forward with my torso. Unable to actually move in distance, it really just forced my face toward the ground. My arms flew to the rescue up over my head and saved the day by catching me before I actually hit the floor. But, they also were still in Forward Ho mode so they came down as far in front of me as possible.

I looked up to see my boss' partner facing the aisle instead of his computer. This ensured that I was at his feet. He stared at me with only a glimmer in his eye and I thought he was going to let me walk away. He isn't usually the joking guy. But, I guess that situation was just too much to pass up. As I got up and dusted myself off, he said, "You don't have to bow down to me, but I do appreciate it."

On the bright side, I have decided that I am excused from ever having to kiss up to him. So unintentionally, I resolved that whole issue.

The Difference Between Religion and Faith

For some reason, I am lacking in fear for authority figures. It takes about 20 minutes to lose that initial intimidation factor. Not exactly 20 minutes, but pretty close. I came to this realization by interviewing for a position in my church's district administrative office. Not only was I subjected to the normal interview questions regarding my strengths and weaknesses, I was also asked a variety of lifestyle questions. A normal person would downplay any questionable habits and give nice, Christian answers. I would have done the same if those questions had come at the beginning of the interview. Unfortunately, the District Superintendent had spent quite a bit of time and charm disarming me and making me comfortable.

I confessed immediately that I was a closet smoker when asked. Disappointed at the turn of questions but knowing where they were headed, I added that I also had a beer now and then. I emphasized that I didn't drink in front of people who might take issue with it. He then asked if I felt that I was sinning because I took pains to hide both of these habits. Stunned at the question, I responded that I was ashamed of smoking because it was a horrible habit. I was careful about drinking so I didn't offend anyone who had a problem with it. He then asked if I would be willing to give them up to take the job and I came to a nice simmer.

I told him I would be willing to try and quit smoking since I wanted to anyway but, I would not stop drinking to uphold a mixed message. It was pointless for them to condone drinking but enforce abstinence among their employees. If the office had a problem with my drinking and didn't hire me that was fine, but I couldn't compromise my integrity. Surprisingly, this answer and my indignation went over quite well. He even told me he respected my answer and agreed that it was not a sin. Then he asked me how I felt about gambling and my gentle simmer turned to a rolling boil.

Suddenly realizing this interview had been a waste of both our time and irritated that he actually expected a thoughtful response, I began answering the questions with every intent of showing just how irrelevant I thought the subject was.

"I don't have a problem with gambling."

"Do you gamble?"

"I haven't yet, but I haven't really had an opportunity."

"So, do you want to gamble?"

"I've never really thought about it before, but it might be fun."

"So, if someone called me and told me that they saw you at a casino, what would you expect me I say to them?"

"Well, I would expect you to say, 'Oh yes, she told me that she was going to be out there playing bingo this weekend.' Because chances are, if I am going to gamble, it would be on Bingo. And, knowing me, I would talk about it nonstop the entire week before. Oh, and I would expect you to follow up by asking them how they enjoyed the casino."

When they called and offered me the job a week later, I was speechless. About a year in I jokingly asked if I could get my eyebrow pierced and he said yes. So, I did. At the pastors' retreat, they wanted newly pierced me to offer the group prayer at lunch in front of over 200 pastors and their wives. When I saw they weren't kidding, I pretended to get up and go for more food. Before I could make my escape, I was gently taken by the arm and led up to the front of the room. It was the weirdest mix of anger, satisfaction, embarrassment and affirmation I have ever felt. After I moved on to another job, I found out that I was quite unpopular with the district churches. He spent a lot of time on the phone shutting down people who called in to complain about me. I suspect that having me pray was a response to that backlash in addition to his phone conversations. He told me he answered every call the same way. "God cares about her heart, not her eyebrow. And I feel exactly the same."

That man helped shape the way I look at everyone including myself. Good on ya' wherever you are.

PS, I totally forgot the question that I think turned the tide for me. He asked what I would do if grown men started chasing each other around the office with squirt guns. I told him I would pull my preloaded super soaker from the bottom drawer and return fire.

You Down With NPP?

Well, time to admit defeat. I believe I have once again relapsed. My throat hurts and the unmanageable fatigue is back. I now have to clarify between fatigues as one I can work with and the other I can't. So, I am back on my own couch trying not to be totally discouraged. I really need to get back to work soon. My boss has discovered Facebook. It's not bad that he has a page, but he has created a page for the company. Well, 2 pages actually. One page has our logo for a profile picture, the other one doesn't. The no photo page is a fan of the photo page. Obviously it isn't really a fan, but jealous of the other page for having a photo. It's so wrong it is awesome!

I would like to add that he is probably just testing the whole system out. He is not unable to use Facebook correctly. But, this blog is all about how I see the world around me. Most of my life is spent making up back stories or alternate story lines for every situation I come across. This is just a verbal manifestation of that whole process. Well not the whole process. I left out the rant No Photo Page (NPP) had about Photo Page (PP). You know, how PP thinks it is so much better than everyone else because it has a logo. And how PP is such an attention whore that it sends out invites and forces everyone to become a fan of its page just so that it appears to be cooler than it really is. And how it isn't fair that NPP should feel obligated to become a fan because it doesn't really care. Now, NPP, who doesn't really care, is going to be shown up by PP because NPP doesn't have time to deal with keeping up a Facebook page. NPP has real work to do and can't waste energy finding an appropriate profile logo to add to its page. But, doesn't see a way out of becoming a fan because professional courtesy demands that NPP play along even though the whole situation is ludicrous and it has better things to do.

Now, you have the whole process.

Curses!

I'm back at the coffee shop. This time though, there are no comfy places. OK, there are, but I'm not in the mood to mingle and if I can't have the couch to myself, I don't want a couch.

I've been on my feet all day getting ready for the week. I have all my lunches ready to be packed and outfits put together. It's comforting to see them all hanging in a row with accessories already picked out. My clothes, not the lunches. I wish I could figure out a way to accessorize my lunches. I figure all of this will cut my preparation by two thirds. I work so much better in the morning when I don't actually have to think.

I can't wait until I am no longer in pain every waking minute. What a glorious day that will be. I will sing and dance. I will be alone when that happens. I do enough things to embarrass myself in public. My most recent escapade involves one of my boss' clients. He is so pretty. Sometimes, I meet someone who is so attractive that my brain freezes. I can't speak, I can't move, I just stare in awe. Take this latest guy, let's call him Bruce. The first time I came face to face with Bruce, I stared so long, that one of the partners introduced me. I don't get introduced to clients. I open the door to the conference room. I bring in a tray with a pitcher of water and glasses. As I set it down on the table, I smile and nod to at the client. Then I leave, backing out the door looking around making sure nothing else is needed.

Not this time. I opened the door. I brought in the tray. As I set it down on the table, I smiled at Bruce and got caught in his eyes. I stare at him, frozen in time, with the tray hovering over the table. Like a statue to commemorate Executive Assistants everywhere. Who knows how long that went on before the partner finally cleared his throat and introduced me. I was so startled by his voice, I jumped. I like to think that I recovered. I like to think that I smiled, shook his hand and said nice to meet you. Instead I watched him get up out of his chair and offer his hand before I moved. I am pretty sure I blushed as I grabbed his hand before running out of the room. I believe I even slammed the door in my hurry to get out of dodge.

Wouldn't it be nice if that were the end of this story? If it were, I could tell you the next time I met Bruce I was all grace and charm. Since I don't possess any grace of movement and all of my charms are based on dancing the line of social acceptability, my imagination is not adequate to even dream of how that would look. Some time later, Bruce came in with two colleagues for a lunch meeting. I made sure the lunches and beverages were in the conference room prior to everyone's arrival. I planned to regain at least a shred of my dignity. That plan consisted mostly of me not entering the conference room more than absolutely necessary. If all went well, I would only have to enter the room once. To my credit, I did only enter once.

I went in to check on them and I discovered that the second principal was present. Fortunately, he provided introductions at the first debacle, so my behavior could not have been completely unexpected. Keeping my gaze high and low to avoid any eye contact. I glanced around the room before I noticed him sitting there without a lunch. He joked about not being as important as his partner. Unfortunately instead of a witty comeback, I offered up my boss' lunch. Luckily this amused the crowd into laughing and sharing their own one-liners. I laughed right along with everyone, still maintaining zero eye contact. Then Bruce said something. I'd tell you what he said, but I don't remember because before I could stop myself, I turned and looked in his direction. I regained awareness fairly quickly this time and I told myself to look away. Then I screamed at myself to look away because I couldn't stop staring. Finally I lowered my head, laughed and followed up with a joke.

Relieved that I had clumsily recovered and he was probably the only one who noticed I started backing out of the door. (Trust me, I saw his face, he noticed.) I grabbed the handle and started closeing the door. In slow motion, I put my foot behind me, raised my head triumphantly at the closing of this scene and tripped over my own feet. Since I had the door handle in my hand, I managed to catch myself. But the weight of my fall backwards slammed the door in my own face.

For now, let's just end this story with that appropriate metaphor and hope there won't be any future installments.

Where Am I?

I have very bizarre and vivid dreams. However, if I don't write them down or talk about them right away, I tend to forget them very quickly. I should have done this post earlier, but I am sick and I didn't feel like it. I will eventually feel better, so I am taking advantage of this time to do whatever I want as it hopefully will not last forever. Anyhoo, last night I dreamed about a new job. I have dreamed about at least five of my previous jobs before I actually had them.

Apparently it runs along the maternal line in my family. I know my mom dreamed about us kids before she had us and she did tell my once that Granny, her mother, had prophetic dreams as well. This doesn't mean I get every job that I dream about or that I dream about every job I get. Or even that I have an opinion about ESP or anything like that. In fact, if you were to talk to me about psychic phenomenon, I would conveniently forget this little fact about myself and tell you it is mostly crap and can be explained away, you know spiritually. So, um yeah. (Hmm, out of the crazy pan and into the fanatic fire.)

First off, I found this job in a city that I keep visiting in dream land. I am not sure where this city is and since I have been all over the country I think it is more a combo of a few different places. In my dream it is always my hometown. I apologize for any offense, but even when I am dreaming it freaks me out to think that I am back. But, this place also has elements of Portland, New Orleans French Quarter and some other nameless southern town. If you know where I grew up, I always end up in the industrial area between the city lines.

Anyhoo, I get this job working for a very charismatic sales guy. He is extremely excited about starting this new business. He has dark hair, talks with his hands in a very loud voice and looks like one of the sales guys on an infomercial. I am helping him set up his office as I am his new assistant and he keeps asking for my opinion on things. The funny thing is, I am really annoyed by all his chatter and can't wait for him to get customers so that he isn't constantly interrupting me with questions and asking my opinion. If you know me at all that is very counter-realistic as I LOVE to give my opinion on everything. So the fact that this guy is very interested in my thoughts and wants me to be involved while I just want him to go away is weird.

At one point we have this conversation about music. He asks who my favorite bands are because he wants his office to be different than other offices. When clients come in, he wants them to get a totally different feel. So, we should play unusual music in the lobby. Like his favorite bands are The Avalanches and someone else I can't remember. I am impressed by the fact that he knew who The Avalanches are. At this point, I all of a sudden want to give a good answer, but I can’t think of anything. I frantically search my brain for an artist who has more than one cd in my collection, but all I can think to tell him is Linkin Park. He gets very excited and says that is perfect. Even in my dream, I think that it is not a good idea for prospective clients, but sounds great to me since I will be working as the receptionist also and won’t be forced to listen to crap music while I stare out the window all day.

He moves on to another subject, and more to my style, I interrupt off topic and say Jimmy Eat World. He says alright, but he likes the Linkin Park idea better. This whole time I am unpacking boxes. Then I drive around a bit looking at the city. Then I wake up.

So that is it. Either Billy Mayes has randomly decided to haunt my dreams, or my dream job is to work at a start-up company selling some nameless product or service to the masses. I choose Billy Mayes, because if I ever have to work as a receptionist again, I may do harm to myself or others. And that will totally ruin any chances I have of eventually becoming a doctor. Which I really don’t want either so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Fanfare Please

I left the house today. A friend picked me up. We went got a bagel and coffee. Then we went grocery shopping.

When I got home, I found that my brother had followed through on his promise to send me his Nintento 64 and a bunch of games.

This is the best day of mono ever!

It helps that I am feeling a little better. Who knows maybe I'll be able to go to work again and once more be a productive member of society. I talked to a coworker yesterday. Apparently this whole being out of work for 53 days has done wonders for my image at the office. My boss misses me, but that was to be expected. I run his life. (His mom called me once to confirm the existence of travel insurance. Her other son was trying to assure her that she could buy tickets eight months in advance. She stopped him by saying that she would have to call me first to talk about it before she made a decision. How much would it suck for your mom to tell you that she didn't believe you and she was going to call your brother's assistant to double check your information?) I knew he would miss me. It was the rest of the office I was worried about.

There have been complaints that I spend my time on frivolous things. Here are a list of things I have been asked to do over the years:

1. Research a list of famous people named Art.
2. Find a handgun either non-working, or replica that looks real.
3. Find a local burrito company that will ship frozen burritos to his son in Rhode Island.
4. Find the contact information for the Marketing Director of Philips Norelco so that he can send his electric razor back to them with suggestions.
5. Purchase 25 Magic 8-Balls and figure out a way to affix our logo to them so that we could give them out as "Financial Advisers" to our clients as gifts after the capital markets went into the toilet.
6. Manufacture a scroll that was at least twenty feet long.
7. Design and construct heart glasses and skull & crossbones glasses.
8. Find a doorbell that can ring to a cellphone.
9. Researching any and all products that he finds in the Sky Mall catalog.

These are in addition to my normal office duties like finding a Sandra or Sheila or some name that sounds like that who worked with HUD one time as an attorney. To the casual observer and the other brokers in the office, it appears that I waste a lot of time surfing the web and goofing off. What they never realized is that when I am doing all of this, my boss is not being distracted by all of these ideas.

Since I have been gone, my friend reported that several people have been overheard to be saying that they cannot wait for me to get back to work because He is all over the place. Because I am gone, he is desperately trying to help as much as possible so as not to overburden others. Which means they have to undo everything he does to put it back together again. My coworker told me she has never heard so many people muttering before. They never realized how much of a buffer I provide for them. I probably shouldn't be gloating but I am.

I should have been laid off last year. We have three assistants in an office that went from 29 to 16 people. That office doesn't need three assistants right now. We barely did any deals last year. But, my boss needs me and put himself on the line to keep me. When asked to write out a responsibility list I was ready to go, until I was told to just lump together all of the duties that I perform for him. Here is what that looked like.

1. His tasks.
2. Sort mail.
3. Data Entry.

Doesn't make much of a resume on paper does it? I guess there are just some things that can't be described in words. So, yeah, I'm going to gloat.

By the way, out of all the things I have done for him, the thing he brags about the most is the personalized, rechargeable, Starbucks gift card I got for him (with his own money). He shows that thing off for everyone. It has his name and his drink printed right on the card. Just a little thing, but his makes his life easier. Which makes everyone's life easier as we now all know. And knowing is half the battle. GI JOE!