Friday, September 17, 2010

Vacuum Headache

Dad: Oh and your vacuum may not have a headache for a while.
Me: Why?
Dad: I vacuumed up 3 motrin.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Two Conversations

My parents are going on day trips today and tomorrow to give me a couple of days to rest. Sadly, I cannot keep up with my newly retired father who also needs naps every afternoon. Yesterday I was so exhausted, I fell out of my bed trying to get up. Luckily, my bed is close to the floor because I fell pretty hard on the ankle I twisted last month falling off the bottom stair of an establishment onto the sidewalk. I am pretty sure I fell because I went back to sleep as I was rolling out of bed. It all happened very quickly.

My exhaustion has very little to do with my parents being here, other than I find it hard to remain reclined when I am visiting with them. It just feels rude. I am exhausted because I am going through an insomnia spell which happens a lot since I've been sick. I crashed in my hammock chair yesterday afternoon for 3 hours when my mom took my dad back to their hotel for his nap. I woke up feeling refreshed and rested for the first time in a week. Well, first I woke up in a panic because my phone was ringing and I forgot where I was. Which made the whole cocooned in a bunch of rope less comforting and more bondage-y. And not in a good way.

Today my folks went up into Golden and beyond just to check out the little towns. My mom called this afternoon to let me know they would not be back to have dinner with me. She was very excited and asked me to guess what they found out there. I was stumped for a few seconds until I remembered that the route they were taking went right through Black Hawk, our local gambling getaway. I can't believe I forgot about Black Hawk when I was trying to think of places to send them for the day. Anyway here is a snippit of the conversation.

Mom: Your dad won $150 on a penny machine!
Me (glumly): Well don't come back then. Keep going and see if you can win back the $XXX I borrowed from you yesterday.
Mom: That's what I was thinking!

God bless her pea pickin' heart. Seriously. It would make me feel much less guilty.

My second conversation took place after I played a little phone tag with my boss today, when he finally answered my call it went a little something like this:

Me: Hey! How are you?
Boss: I'm doing better than you!
Me: Niiice. Real nice.

I miss him!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Random Classification of My Current Wardrobe

A couple years ago I got the coolest t-shirt from a guy at work who was my Secret Santa that year. He refused to tell me where he bought it; I didn't care because I am awesome at Google. Unfortunately I never looked it up. Now the shirt is getting old and I can't find a new one. Granted I haven't even looked yet. Instead of researching it I spent two hours writing this letter yesterday to my co-worker. I am bored and for some reason this was very entertaining to me. Don't judge.

Also, one day I decided that a shirt I was wearing looked vaguely like it was from the 1920s, so I added a bunch of glass and crystal jewelry. The look was very subtle especially considering I was wearing corduroy pants instead of a dress. I do stuff like that a lot, and frankly I do it to entertain myself. I don't expect anyone to get it. He took one look at me and said, "Wow J, you are looking very Great Gatsby today." So I knew this letter wouldn't totally be out of place to him. Oh and he is straight. Very straight. And also married. Not that it matters, I am so not his type. You know, normal. As evidenced by the email below:

I wrote up this little ditty for you. Please remember I am very bored, which makes me very weird.

Jem & The Holograms - I like to wear this grocery shopping; the store employees tend to talk to me more and give me free samples. People are generally more helpful. I even got a free cab. True Story. I was sitting at a bus stop and a non-creepy cabbie stopped and said he was going down that route anyway, so he would give me a free ride. Of course the ride ended with him giving me his phone number. I am hot, but I prefer to credit the sheer awesomenss of the shirt for all of these free goodies.

Oddly Drawn, Slightly Creepy Monster - This shirt allows me to be grumpy. It scares off the people I probably don’t want to talk to. The people who are amused by it are dark and cynical so they prefer to simply nod in appreciation. If I am feeling like I don’t want to be totally unapproachable, I wear it with a huge vintage turquoise crystal necklace. Then people who like my style will talk to me, but I don’t mind because they probably have a similar sense of amusement and won’t irritate me.

Paris Hilton and Scott Baio - For my ironic look. Both of these shirts pair nicely with my pink NASCAR ball cap. I like to wear my Member’s Only knock off for the full white trash effect. I wear these to gauge people’s reactions. Do they understand I am making a hilarious joke, or are they not worth my time because they think I am serious?

Debbie Harry and Pepsi Challenge - They are non-confrontational and great conversation starters. Nobody hates Debbie or soda. Plus, I have multiple jewelry sets for each to match whatever mood I may be in. Oddly, they also pair nicely with all the plaid shorts I own.

Talk Derby to Me – My favorite T-shirt. I have photographed it with the hat I like to pair it with. The side patches resemble armed forces badges. This allows me to publicly support derby while giving silent props to the Green Barrettes, my favorite team who made me fall in love with the sport. It has been worn and washed so often that it is now faded into a dingy grey. It has also started losing its shape. I was recently distraught to find a stain on the front and panicked thinking it was time to retire the shirt. Thanks to a combination of Spray & Wash, my tears and frantic prayers to the Powers That Be to please give the shirt a reprieve, the stain was removed.

Unfortunately the realization that this shirt is not going to last forever has brought a shadow to my once bright joy. I find myself hesitating to wear the shirt. I pull it from my closet along with my black, pinstriped capris. But as I don the shirt and smooth the stretched fabric into place I think, "Perhaps I should wear something else. I do not plan on leaving the house today. It would be a shame to waste one more day of its life in the quite solitude of my home." And then I put the shirt back in the closet with a sigh. I reach for Scott Baio bolstered in the knowledge that I am strong enough not to squander the happiness of Talk Derby to Me on myself alone.

If only I knew where I could purchase a replacement for this shirt. But alas,
despite numerous attempts to Google the shirt, I have yet to find the answer to my quandary.

This was his response:

Wow Ms., I am impressed. I must say, that was one of the better Secret Santa gifts I have found (well, the remote controlled rat was pretty sweet, especially when we used it to scare the sh!t out of S). I did a quick search of my own and came up with a few results. One suggestion, look up the name of the company on the tag and Google search that along with Talk derby to me.

I still can't find the shirt. Although I still haven't looked. What? I had to reformat all of this to share with you. That took another couple of hours. The good news is that I am getting better with MS Paint so you can probably look forward to more visual aids.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Dr. House Without The Constant Threat of Dying

That is what a friend of mine said my life is like. I think it is the funniest thing I have heard in a while so I am using it for my title in case you missed the post on Facebook.

I am about to give you another update. Before I do, I want to share this with you. This is how my brain works. Most of you are already aware of the random twists and turns and don't even flinch anymore when I blurt out utter nonsense. Even better though is what he said he would do with his body if he was dying from a long chronic illness.

Now for the update. I went to the doctor today. Because Infectious Diseases ruled out an active virus, she is focusing on treating me for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. They are both treated the same way. This is a very long process in itself. We have to try different medications to see what works. Right now that means I will take another Lyrica in the morning in addition to the two I take before bed. She is hoping this will alleviate the pain during the day and that the Adderall will counteract any drowsiness the medicine will cause. If this works, we move on to antidepressants.

I really have no idea why antidepressants are used. I need to do some research into this. My guess would be that it fights the fatigue. This isn't really a physical ailment according to what I've read. They Lyrica stops my nerves from sending false pain messages to my brain. So maybe the antidepressant kick starts my adrenals. I don't know. It doesn't really matter yet so I didn't ask. That's just how I roll.

On the acupuncture front, I am on day two of my no-food diet. That is what I am choosing to call it. I cannot have gluten, dairy, eggs, soy, beans, corn, tomatoes or chocolate. I feel like I left something out. Oh yeah, peanuts. I can't have those, but as my father was fond of repeatedly telling me throughout my childhood, peanuts are not a nut, they are a legume which puts them in the bean family. I can have rice, meat, vegetables and fruit.

Granted it is only day two, but I have to say I think this is going to be way easier than I thought it would be. I am quickly realizing that I have a hard time eating because I have too many choices. Now I walk into the kitchen get some rice, get some lunch meat, steam some vegetables and eat. Before it was always trying to figure out what I wanted to eat, waiting too long and then devouring the easiest thing I could find. My diet had started consisting of pepperoni and goldfish crackers. I prefer a 3 to 1 goldfish:pepperoni ratio. My roommate prefers 2 to 1, so it is all personal preference.

Now that I have limited choices, I am less stressed out. I am wondering if this is a personality flaw. Perhaps if I apply this to other areas of my life, I will be more successful. Like I can take away boredom by declaring, you can read a book or you can play a game. Then I don't have to endlessly cycle through all the options of what I can and can't do for an hour before freaking out and taking a nap because I can't stand thinking about it anymore. I need structure.

I need to go back to work. I need to kill the headache I currently have. What is up with that? I never get headaches. Well I get headaches, but they are always sinus or shoulder related. I never just get a straight up headache in the front of my brain. I guess I wore myself out with laundry yesterday and an outing to the doctor today.

Holy crap, where did this post go? I totally forgot what I was writing about. Well guess what, you can suck it! That sounded mean, but it would be a lot funnier if you could see me making an "x" with my arms over my crotch like my wrestling obsessed brothers used to do.

All that to say, I am not editing this post either. If you made it to the end of this rambling mess, give yourself a gold star. Then eat some chocolate for me. Sadly out of all of this, that is going to be the hardest habit to break.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Why I Should Be Blogging

Yeah, I don't know if you will be able to read all of that. I tried to make it big enough, but I suck at this sort of thing. If you look at the time posted, it was 17 minutes ago. That is a really long time for such a crappy, simple cut and paste. I just wanted to post this because I really should be blogging again. Otherwise, one person bears the brunt of my randomness. That is just too much for a single person to be responsible for.

My biggest issue is that I haven't been reading blogs. Usually I read another blog and then I start to see the world through their eyes. Then I want to post my world because I am seeing it differently and want to share. Maybe I just won't blog in the summer. I really had no desire to even read blogs until Thursday. That was when the weather suddenly shifted.

In Denver there is this weird thing that happens in September. The air suddenly gets its chill back. We will still have hot days. It is supposed to be 90 today. But from this point forward the wind will carry that tiny bit of freezing with it. I believe it is just to remind us that it could now snow at any minute. As a matter of fact, it is a big mistake to give us that little hint. We know it is going to snow the next day when it is 80 degrees and there is not a hint of chill in the air. I call it a temperature tsunami. All the cold gets sucked out of the air and then blows back in carrying massive amounts of snow.

True Story.

Update: You can't read it. But it really isn't important. If you truly think you need to read it, it is on my Facebook page right now. Or you can click on the picture and it will open in another web page. It is a little clearer and you can at least zoom in on the browser to read it. Experiment = Failed. Oh well.

If you would like to see a funny blog where the author doesn't fail go here. It is the blog mentioned in the Facebook post above. Except she has the cajones to cuss in her blog. A lot. So don't go there if that offends you. I would cuss, but I write this mainly for my mom and I don't want to piss off my target group.