Random Classification of My Current Wardrobe

A couple years ago I got the coolest t-shirt from a guy at work who was my Secret Santa that year. He refused to tell me where he bought it; I didn't care because I am awesome at Google. Unfortunately I never looked it up. Now the shirt is getting old and I can't find a new one. Granted I haven't even looked yet. Instead of researching it I spent two hours writing this letter yesterday to my co-worker. I am bored and for some reason this was very entertaining to me. Don't judge.

Also, one day I decided that a shirt I was wearing looked vaguely like it was from the 1920s, so I added a bunch of glass and crystal jewelry. The look was very subtle especially considering I was wearing corduroy pants instead of a dress. I do stuff like that a lot, and frankly I do it to entertain myself. I don't expect anyone to get it. He took one look at me and said, "Wow J, you are looking very Great Gatsby today." So I knew this letter wouldn't totally be out of place to him. Oh and he is straight. Very straight. And also married. Not that it matters, I am so not his type. You know, normal. As evidenced by the email below:

I wrote up this little ditty for you. Please remember I am very bored, which makes me very weird.

Jem & The Holograms - I like to wear this grocery shopping; the store employees tend to talk to me more and give me free samples. People are generally more helpful. I even got a free cab. True Story. I was sitting at a bus stop and a non-creepy cabbie stopped and said he was going down that route anyway, so he would give me a free ride. Of course the ride ended with him giving me his phone number. I am hot, but I prefer to credit the sheer awesomenss of the shirt for all of these free goodies.



Oddly Drawn, Slightly Creepy Monster - This shirt allows me to be grumpy. It scares off the people I probably don’t want to talk to. The people who are amused by it are dark and cynical so they prefer to simply nod in appreciation. If I am feeling like I don’t want to be totally unapproachable, I wear it with a huge vintage turquoise crystal necklace. Then people who like my style will talk to me, but I don’t mind because they probably have a similar sense of amusement and won’t irritate me.





Paris Hilton and Scott Baio - For my ironic look. Both of these shirts pair nicely with my pink NASCAR ball cap. I like to wear my Member’s Only knock off for the full white trash effect. I wear these to gauge people’s reactions. Do they understand I am making a hilarious joke, or are they not worth my time because they think I am serious?


Debbie Harry and Pepsi Challenge - They are non-confrontational and great conversation starters. Nobody hates Debbie or soda. Plus, I have multiple jewelry sets for each to match whatever mood I may be in. Oddly, they also pair nicely with all the plaid shorts I own.



Talk Derby to Me – My favorite T-shirt. I have photographed it with the hat I like to pair it with. The side patches resemble armed forces badges. This allows me to publicly support derby while giving silent props to the Green Barrettes, my favorite team who made me fall in love with the sport. It has been worn and washed so often that it is now faded into a dingy grey. It has also started losing its shape. I was recently distraught to find a stain on the front and panicked thinking it was time to retire the shirt. Thanks to a combination of Spray & Wash, my tears and frantic prayers to the Powers That Be to please give the shirt a reprieve, the stain was removed.

Unfortunately the realization that this shirt is not going to last forever has brought a shadow to my once bright joy. I find myself hesitating to wear the shirt. I pull it from my closet along with my black, pinstriped capris. But as I don the shirt and smooth the stretched fabric into place I think, "Perhaps I should wear something else. I do not plan on leaving the house today. It would be a shame to waste one more day of its life in the quite solitude of my home." And then I put the shirt back in the closet with a sigh. I reach for Scott Baio bolstered in the knowledge that I am strong enough not to squander the happiness of Talk Derby to Me on myself alone.

If only I knew where I could purchase a replacement for this shirt. But alas, despite numerous attempts to Google the shirt, I have yet to find the answer to my quandary.

This was his response:

Wow Ms., I am impressed. I must say, that was one of the better Secret Santa gifts I have found (well, the remote controlled rat was pretty sweet, especially when we used it to scare the sh!t out of S). I did a quick search of my own and came up with a few results. One suggestion, look up the name of the company on the tag and Google search that along with Talk derby to me.

I still can't find the shirt. Although I still haven't looked. What? I had to reformat all of this to share with you. That took another couple of hours. The good news is that I am getting better with MS Paint so you can probably look forward to more visual aids.

You're welcome.

Why I Should Be Blogging

Yeah, I don't know if you will be able to read all of that. I tried to make it big enough, but I suck at this sort of thing. If you look at the time posted, it was 17 minutes ago. That is a really long time for such a crappy, simple cut and paste. I just wanted to post this because I really should be blogging again. Otherwise, one person bears the brunt of my randomness. That is just too much for a single person to be responsible for.

My biggest issue is that I haven't been reading blogs. Usually I read another blog and then I start to see the world through their eyes. Then I want to post my world because I am seeing it differently and want to share. Maybe I just won't blog in the summer. I really had no desire to even read blogs until Thursday. That was when the weather suddenly shifted.

In Denver there is this weird thing that happens in September. The air suddenly gets its chill back. We will still have hot days. It is supposed to be 90 today. But from this point forward the wind will carry that tiny bit of freezing with it. I believe it is just to remind us that it could now snow at any minute. As a matter of fact, it is a big mistake to give us that little hint. We know it is going to snow the next day when it is 80 degrees and there is not a hint of chill in the air. I call it a temperature tsunami. All the cold gets sucked out of the air and then blows back in carrying massive amounts of snow.

True Story.

Update: You can't read it. But it really isn't important. If you truly think you need to read it, it is on my Facebook page right now. Or you can click on the picture and it will open in another web page. It is a little clearer and you can at least zoom in on the browser to read it. Experiment = Failed. Oh well.

If you would like to see a funny blog where the author doesn't fail go here. It is the blog mentioned in the Facebook post above. Except she has the cajones to cuss in her blog. A lot. So don't go there if that offends you. I would cuss, but I write this mainly for my mom and I don't want to piss off my target group.

Lemon Juice

Helping find those little cuts you just don't know are there.

Please Do Not Fall Down Dead

I know that two posts in one day after weeks of inattention may actually cause mental harm to those of you who follow me. Writing that sentence is really funny to me because even at my slowest, I still wrote every four or five days which is pretty average for the blogs I read. Anyway, I had an epiphany this week about my posting. I was writing more often in the beginning because I was just blogging whatever came into my head. After I started in with the childhood and work stories, I somehow began to think that if I didn't have a story to write, I shouldn't blog anything. Then I was so pleased with my hide and seek stories I began to think I couldn't write a story unless I thought it was going to be as entertaining. Of course we also had the fiction spurt and which led me to feeling guilty about posting anything other than the end of that story.

All in all, I kind of forgot that this blog is really only here to entertain myself. I guess I got intimidated when I found out others actually enjoyed my writing as well. I wanted people to read my blog but I guess I didn't actually expect more than the obligatory glance. Also, I sort of have a problem finishing things. Someone once said I had a fear of failure, but that isn't really it. I am afraid of not finishing something. My personality type is a dreamer. I come up with tons of ideas that I get really excited about, but once the project is started and it becomes time to focus on the details, I get bored and abandon whatever I am working on.

This is not a problem for me. I am all about immediate gratification. When I do something it is to enjoy the process. I don't actually care about the finished product, I just want to have some fun for the moment. This has been a problem for countless friends in my life who get frustrated with my lack of success. They don't see the fun in just doing something. They are all about goals and achievement. That has never been my way.

Take school. I love learning. I always have. When I was in elementary school the goal was to learn and grades revolved more around tests than homework. Homework was pretty much short and sweet. I still never did it and that was what my grades reflected all of my academic career. The more homework was assigned and valued, the lower my grades dropped. I was lucky to graduate with a barely C average. This frustrated my parents and teachers because they knew I was smart enough and aced all my tests. It frustrated me that they didn't see how unfair their grading was. If the point was to learn the subject matter, then I should have been able to take the tests and leave the homework be. In the fifth grade, I remember getting into an argument with my math teacher that changed my opinion of school forever.

I asked him what the point of homework was. I wasn't being insolent, I was seriously confused about the whole concept. Fifth grade is when I stopped getting straight A's and school became a reason I got grounded instead of a fun place to learn. We had just been given review homework which was always triple the normal homework as it contained problems from the everything we had studied up to that stage. He told me that the point was to practice what we learned so we could pass the upcoming test. I got excited thinking about the idea and suggested that if I was able to learn it, I shouldn't have to do the homework to practice. He, of course, disagreed and laughed saying there was no way that I could have remembered everything. This pissed me off.

I was one of the best in class. Math was always my best subject. It just makes sense to me. I didn't just memorize math problems and shortcuts, I understood the concepts. So, I challenged him and told him to give me the test right then and if I even got one wrong, I would do the homework, but if I got 100% then I could be let off the hook. He immediately looked nervous. I assume it was at this point that he remembered that I never did homework which meant I always took the tests without practice and rarely missed a problem. That conversation ended quickly and I was given some sort of "because I said so" answer. From that point forward I looked at homework as a joke.

Wow, that took a meandering bend. I can't even follow my own train of thought except to say when I am doing something as a distraction or to entertain myself I have no problems. When I see that there is a goal to be reached I get nervous. I focus so much on the distance between me and the end, I start to worry that I will even want to finish. I add up all the pieces that will have to be completed and instead of looking at next step I worry about the one thing in the distance future that I may not be able to do. Then I decide to give up before I even start. For me it is easier to give up in the beginning rather than be ashamed of one more goal that I didn't accomplish.

We all have these voices in our heads. They say different things, but the end result is the same. We start trying to look at ourselves from other people's perspectives and expectations. Instead of just being ourselves, we worry about appearing foolish and ignore the different, unique parts of ourselves that drew people to us in the first place. It is natural and easy to make this mistake. I think I got my perspective back, but I can't say I won't lose it again. In the meantime it is back to me prattling inanely about whatever I feel like.

Oh, I remember my point. I spent about five or six hours on some of my better pieces. Which led me to think I needed to spend that much time on all of my posts. So when I would think about sitting down to write, instead of sitting at the computer and just throwing out whatever was on my mind, I would look at the clock. Having mono and being tired I would get exhausted thinking about spending that much time on one project and watch a movie instead. It may seem silly, but people do it all the time. We get caught in our habits and routines and start doing things because we should, forgetting that reading or writing or whatever fun thing we have planned isn't a task to be done. It is a hobby to be enjoyed.

The human being is an odd little duck that way.




PS, I mentioned before that I have a stat counter to let me see who is reading my blog. That may have been what commandeered my focus and made me feel like I had to perform. However it also kept me going at a point when I would have normally given up. I kept thinking that I should just give up writing because I couldn't keep up with my imaginary expectations. But I have a reader in Virginia who checks my blog every day. I can tell they are a stranger who stumbled onto my blog and kept coming back. Every time I started feeling insecure, I thought about Virgina and remembered that my writing couldn't suck that badly. So thank you, whoever you are! Please don't let my stat stalking frighten you away, I just wanted to send you a little message of appreciation.

Do You Dream in Color? Because I Dream in Cartoon.

No really. I always think my dreams can't get crazier but then they do. When I woke up, I tore out of bed and wrote this down because I was already starting to forget it. Did I get coffee first? Did I check my email? Did I even pause for a drink of water to quench my insane thirst? No. Why? Because I love you, my peeps. And letting you peek at my insanity is way more important than my welfare.

Your welcome. Just so you get the complete picture, the characters in my dream were 1980's cartoon characters running around in the real world. Only they were in cartoon format, everything else was "real." Megatron was not the new live-action version, but the old grey and black version from the Saturday morning cartoons. Got that? Good. Here we go.

The dream started with Megatron in a car chase with Barney Rubble. Barney was able to escape because he assumed Megatron was looking for one of the balls that he had shadily obtained and collected into bags in his car. Barney threw one of the bags into the street causing the balls to scatter in every direction. While Megatron stopped to collect all the balls, Barney was able to escape.

Fred came looking for Barney because he knew that Megatron was looking for a globe. A globe Fred had in his possession. Fred found Barney in the house and told him what was going on. Barney looked at Fred and said, "Well why didn't you say so? I know how we can escape." Apparently Barney had been collecting balls for some time. They went to grab all the remaining balls out of Barney’s car and hidden throughout the house.

Then the dream cut away to Megatron flying over the city. Using his sensors he was able to find Fred and Barney. When he got there, they both ran out of the house in different directions. Megatron started chasing Barney. That is when Barney opened the duffle bag he was carrying and swung it around him in a circle. Out of his bag came flying hundreds of medium size globe printed playground balls that ricochet in every direction. Megatron drove in and grabbed one but immediately dropped it. Suddenly the view zoomed in on his hand and to see it dripping with paint. Barney and Fred had taken Barney’s collection of balls and painted them all to look like globes.

Incensed Megatron went after Barney, but hearing a noise turned to see another globe rolling down the street. He picked up that globe, which was heavier than the others, and flew off into the night. Barney ran down a few blocks and jumped into Fred’s car (Which was the same car he drives in the cartoon so this time the car was a cartoon, but the previous cars were not.) As they drove off into the night, one more globe popped out of Fred’s exhaust pipe. Fred had been driving around town shooting painted bowling balls out of his tail pipe to distract Megatron. Unfortunately Megatron realized what was going on and flew over to chase the two down in Fred’s car.

In a panic, Barney reached into the glove box; pulled out a small, marble-sized globe; and threw it out the car behind him. Fred screamed, "No!" and slammed on the breaks but not before Megatron saw the globe and grabbed it. Then his fist, holding the globe, disappeared into his arm only to reappear empty. Megatron laughed and flew away as Fred jumped on to his leg. Just as he was about to fly off with Fred attached, Barney threw a bag of globe painted bouncy balls the same shape onto the street. They bounced in every direction and Megatron hurried to grab them all.

Barney, feeling responsible for the whole mess, summoned his courage and ran up Megatron’s arm and disappeared inside his body when Megatron inserted his hand to store another globe. Because the dream was now taking place inside Megatron's body, the internal scene was in cartoon. He ran around inside Megatron and found the real globe. He grabbed it and started looking for an exit. Just as he was slipping back outside he saw Ravage (Soundwave’s dog) starting to transform from a tape into a dog. He grabbed a crowbar and threw it into the transforming robot jamming it in mid transformation. Unfortunately he saw the robot adjust and start to transform into Laserbeak (the bird) instead to maneuver out from under the crow bar. After Barney makes it out, he takes off down the street but Megatron shoots at Barney’s back. Fred screamed, “No!” in the distance and then I woke up.

My theory on where this dream comes from is that my poor brain was forced to repay me for the massive headache I got yesterday. Well, not for the headache, but the means I took to get rid of the headache. At about 1:00 am, I couldn't stand it anymore and finally took some aspirin. Knowing that it has caffeine and would probably keep me up all night, I also took it with some PMS medication that always relaxes me. Then I was suddenly starving so I got up and ate a piece of toast with Nutella. Once I finished that, I realized I was still hungry so I had another piece of toast with twice the Nutella. Then I tried to go to sleep. I was relaxed enough lay in bed and doze, but my brain was too awake to sleep until about 4:30 this morning. There was a lot more to the beginning of the dream, but it was one of those where you start to forget everything the minute you wake up. The only thing I can remember was being teamed up with someone else for some sort of contest presentation and then Megatron.

This is how movies like Space Jam get created. Don't look for this to be a movie any time soon as I am pretty sure Hannah Barbara still owns the rights to The Flinstones while someone else owns Transformers. I am too tired right now to look up who. I usually look up the specific items in an online dream dictionary to see what it all means. I think I'll pass on this one. I don't think I really want to know.

When I was editing this I realized I accidentally wrote, "Using his censors he was able to find Fred and Barney." All of a sudden I got a vision of Megatron flying over the city hearing a series of bleeping and then seeing a house covered in little black out bars. Maybe I am still asleep.

The Anticipation Mounts

I have must have a twelve year old boy living inside me. Why do I find the word mount to be so snicker inducing?

I have been horribly absent from my blog these days. However, I promise to make it up to you soon. I am working on a story that will probably take you five days to read and allowing me to slack off, er, decide what direction I want to take from there. I am working on it tonight, but it ended up being much longer than I anticipated and I will probably have to forgo writing the ending and go to bed.

To give you a taste, it includes references to ninjas, pirates and maces, OH BOY!

Coping with Laughter Runs in the Family

This memory popped into my head today. My dad's father was living in a nursing home after having his leg amputated. One day, while my aunt was visiting, a nurse came in and told him it was time for her to clip his toenails. He looked at her while pointing to his prosthetic leg and said, "All right. But be careful. Look what happened the last time." The nurse was visibly shocked, but my aunt burst out laughing.

I miss that man!

On another note, my mom will be out here this month to visit me. She is going to help me clean the condo and do minor repairs to help get it ready in case I do decide to sell. One of the things we had talked about was turning my guest bedroom into a craft room/office. I hate how the queen size mattress takes up most of the room when it is only used four or five times a year. She has offered to build me a murphy bed type structure to house it in during non-visiting times. When we were talking about it earlier, I realized that will solve one of my pending dilemmas in selling my home.

I wanted to rent an apartment to save money and pay off my debt. However, since I don't want to leave downtown, it was becoming apparent that rent was not going to be much cheaper than a mortgage. I have lived in a studio sized place before and hated the bed being out in the open. Plus, now that I have graduated to a grown-up sized bed (queen instead of twin), I was worried about it taking up the whole room so I was stuck looking at pricey, ugly one-bedrooms. With this new contraption, I wouldn't have to worry about it and can start looking again at all the cute, urban studios I had to reject out of hand simply because of their size.

It is amazing to me how one little thing can change my outlook on everything. All of a sudden, I am excited and looking forward to selling. It isn't that I don't want to own, but I am looking forward to losing this financial burden right now. Also, it does reopen the possibility of still owning, but just downsizing. I can probably buy a place for half of what I own now. I was so depressed by what I thought I was facing, it was kind of bringing me down. Now I am can't wait to get out there and see what I can find.

That is all for today!

Game Delay Due to Rain

Sorry folks. The weather has been hit or miss. My finances have been hit or miss. My mood has been hit or miss. My symptoms have been hit or miss.

All in all, it has been a roller coaster week and I have had to focus my energies elsewhere. In case you didn't know, I have about 2 - 4 hours worth of energy a day. Usually that comes to me in the morning. This week I have helped a friend out by babysitting her six month old for a few hours. The kid sleeps as much as I do so it worked out pretty well. My job sent me an application for Long Term Disability. I spent a few hours filling that out. I pouted a bit and cried on the phone to my mom which ate up a few more hours. Sadly, you, my dear peeps, have been neglected. I have story ideas and keep sitting down to start posting, but I get overwhelmed at the idea of writing out a story. I start to write a bunch of nonsense, but when I am not in a whimsical mood, they don't really come out well.

It is the same in real life. I have a very dry, sarcastic wit. When I am full of life and energy, I can pull it off because I am careful to watch everyone's responses and make sure they are getting that I am telling a joke. When I am tired or moody, I just piss people off and hurt their feelings. I forget to smile and they think I am just being mean. I don't know why. I can't remember a time in my adulthood when I have actually made fun of someone else. It goes against my nature to build people up. Why people would ever think I would say something intentionally degrading is beyond me.

Ah well, the point is I have learned my lesson. Which means you get stories or nothing at all! (I write as I totally negate the statement with this entire post.) I did make mini apple pies this week. I have been craving them, but I make them from scratch. I finally decided to try making the crust in my food processor. I figured it didn't matter if it turned out too badly, it would still be pie. And I like pie! As it works out, minus the cooking time, I made a pie in 15 minutes. This is not good. It cannot be that easy for me to make pie! And it gets worse.

After I devoured the first one I made, I was still craving more. This time the crust was already made. So, I made another one in about 10 minutes and ate it too. I cannot have that kind of temptation sitting around! Unfortunately in my pie craving madness, I bought a 5 lb bag of Granny Smith apples. Each pie takes one apple. I have six apples left. Plus, I still have crust in the refrigerator! Hmmm, I think I have to go now. To make pie. Because pie is 4th on my list of true loves after Goldie, Bacon and Batman. I wonder what Bacon Pot Pie would taste like?

Yeah, I gotta go. Now.

Poo Sandwiches Taste Like Crap!

I feel like a poo sandwich but I don't want to lick myself so I don't know how I taste. I hurt. All over. My eyelids are sore. This is not a good day. I thought I was really getting better and now this. Ugh! I am starting to think that my physical well being is directly related to the weather. It is very weird that how I feel is inversely related to how much sun is out there. Call me crazy, but I can't help but notice. I have acupuncture again tomorrow so maybe I can get him to validate my theory. At the very least I am hoping he smiles and nods politely while I tell him. I am paying him after all.

I am dealing with life right now and it is arguing with me. I am looking at my finances and it has become painfully obvious that I am in over my head. I have no idea when I am going to go back to work and that means no income. I was pretty much treading water before this whole mess struck. And while I have just started to go into debt, I can see that it is going to be an extremely fast ride to the bottom. For the last couple of days, I have been looking into what it would take to sell my condo and move to an apartment. I could get out of debt, save up another down payment and try again later on.

When I got my new job, I knew it was going to be a close shave budget wise. I also knew that I could manage it and I always live within my means. I am starting to see that it may not have been the wisest choice. I am too old and too single to be scraping by every month. I need to get to a financial place where I can go through something like this and not even have to voice more than a "meh." I need to start saving for retirement. I need to have a savings account. I need to start living like I am 35 not 25. Odd how growing up would include selling my home and going back to renting.

I am not making any decisions yet and it will be another couple months before I put it on the market. I like to plan in advance. This way I can mentally go through all my belongings and decide what to purge. That is the other thing. I have too much stuff. When I first moved into this place, I had enough furniture to decorate the master bedroom. Now I have enough to fill it up and the spare bedroom is just acting as a catchall instead of having a purpose. Where did it all come from? I don't know, but I do know where it is going. Away.

This is my life, or as Goldie says in Overboard "Yes, (sigh) I suppose I belong in this hovel. I didn't marry very well, did I?"

I just realized that sounds sad an pathetic, but it is actually making giggle so I hope you all get the joke.

Internet Tests, I Love Having Proof

So I got served an Americano last night. It was not decaf. The following is why I try not to drink it. I was going to remove some of the test results, but since I am a little annoyed, I have a sudden urge to be annoying!

First, I did have a couple of bizarre dreams. The last one left me feeling jumpy and scared, so I GOT UP AT 4:00 AM!

1. I have been having a lot of shopping dreams. So many that last night I revisited a mall that had been a backdrop in a previous dream. When I saw a pair of shoes that I liked on display, I started to leave my group to go to the shoe department. Then I remembered that I had just seen everything they had and it was too soon for them to have added new inventory or dropped prices. I laughed when I woke up.

2. A big group of people were all staying overnight at someone's house for a type of slumber party. For some reason, I decided to sleep in the sideyard. I woke up hearing voices coming from the front of the house. They were strangers, not people from the party. I then realized that not only had one of them seen me, I had kicked off my sleeping bag and pajama bottoms in my sleep. I heard him going to get the others so I started looking for my pants. I finally found them and put them on while sitting down trying to maintain some form of modesty. I grabbed my teddy bear and ran around the house to the back door just as I heard them coming. The dream suddenly turned very frightening and I woke up yelling.

Sometimes when I wake up from those, I can't let myself go back to sleep because I go straight back to the nightmare or something worse happens. So, I got up instead thinking I would go back to sleep at daybreak when I would be less likely to have a bad dream. It is now 8:00; I am still not tired and now I have to go take my Adderall. I am so curious as to what today will be like. The good news is I barely feel fatigued. I almost feel normal.

One thing I am sure of is that there is a nap in my future.

Your result for The 3 Variable Funny Test...

the Cutting Edge

(57% dark, 42% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK



Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top.

Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing.


PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi




The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules -

Take The 3 Variable Funny Test at OkCupid

Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test...

English Genius

You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 87% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

Take The Commonly Confused Words Test at OkCupid

Your result for The Personality Defect Test...

Televangelist

You are 29% Rational, 100% Extroverted, 0% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant.

As the Lord as my witness, I swear upon the good book that you are indeed the TELEVANGELIST!

Characterized by extreme arrogance, self-assurance, and extroversion, you would make a very charismatic leader (though not a very good one). On top of that, you are also more intuitive than rational, predisposing you to a more spiritual or emotional outlook on life. Thus, you are thoroughly irrational, and you tend to think that sound logical reasoning is overrated, and that it is much better to trust your gut instincts--which must be pretty big instincts, considering the size of your gut. You also tend to be rather gentle and considerate of others' feelings. Clearly, you would make the perfect televangelist. You could easily fleece people of their money and their dignity like so many sheep. Emotional, extroverted, arrogant, and gentle, you annoy the hell out of people who have to listen to the feel-good, intuitive shit spewing from your mouth. Not only that, but people may look down on you as a self-centered asshat. So while you are gentle and genuinely care about others, it is quite clear that you still care about yourself MORE. Why is your personality flawed? Because you are too damned extroverted, emotional, and arrogant. So preach your irrational message, brotha-man! I assure you, no one will be listening. Except for a few bums. But they just want you to feed them crackers and wine.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Your result for The What type of MAN turns you on Test...

Tough guy

You scored 85% masculine, 71% athletic, 45% exotic, and 50% refined!

You love men, you love testosterone and you know it. You like a bad-ass man who knows what he wants. He isn't what you might bring home to mom but I don't think it really matters - he's hot! Someone like.....Vin Diesel. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

Take The What type of MAN turns you on Test at OkCupid

Your result for The Brutally Honest Personality Test...

Scumbag- ENFP

60% Extraversion, 60% Intuition, 40% Thinking, 40% Judging

I have a feeling you're not going to like this much. Do I care? No. How do I know? It's because you hate criticism. You love to be loved and you'll do anything to be accepted.

Unfortunately for you, I can see right through your insincere compliments and over-the-top greetings. No matter what you do, I'll always hate you for what you are. An arrogant, unstable, overly enthusiastic scumbag.

I bet you're pretty proud of your accomplishments, huh? You seem to achieve at whatever you put your little mind too. Trust me. Nobody likes the person who is good at everything. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

This might also have something to do with the fact that you're a cheating machine. You're just not the type of person to make long-term commitments. You enjoy seeing "what could be", rather than being satisfied with "what is." This, of course, means you often leave others in the dust while you seek out another lover.

Well, at least you're not the one left in the dust.

Unfortunately, when you're the one lying in the gutter with a bloody knife in your back, you might think differently.

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If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.

Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test at OkCupid