Everything for a Reason

Disclaimer: I wasn't going to post this because I thought my crazy inner workings would offend; opinions on higher powers often do that. As a concession, I generalized all the God parts so you will able to read the what without being distracted by the who.

Lately I have been making all of these amazing fruit smoothies with the weirdest ingredients. Seriously weird. I have tried cumin, dill, basil, BBQ sauce, tarragon, soy sauce and pepper. They have each worked. Each morning I practice focusing to clear my head from distractions. It is a meditative exercise to throw out my perceptions about flavors and try anything I want. I take time to think about every ingredient, its flavor, aroma (or odor), affect it will have, and amount that will enhance without overpowering the finished result. I am listening to the inspirations inside of me instead of assuming I already know the outcome. Everything can work if balanced properly. Some things can even be neutralized. The results with the smoothies are incredible. The calming factor that it has given me is the miracle I've needed to get through 72 days with no income, no health and little sanity. Having this one small tangible thing where the outcome doesn't matter gives me something to hold on to when I have to face the big intangibles that do matter. Like my mortgage, my pain and my bed rest.

Yesterday I tried baking. It was crap. The grapefruit glaze was decent and workable, but the cakes were just awful. I was already crabby and irritated before I started. I felt completely disillusioned when nothing worked out after a couple of hours. I was intentionally going back to my kitchen experiment because I couldn't seem to focus on anything. I can't tell if the Adderall is giving me an afternoon drop in mood or if I am just tuckered out after trying to do so much after doing nothing for so long. Everything failed, even my iced coffee. How could coffee suck so much? It wasn't that it tasted bad, but my dissatisfied mood added its own unique, icky aftertaste.

As I was scraping all the crappy cakes into the garbage, I tried to Pollyanna it and neutralize the negative. I learned a bunch of things. I cooked the batter three different ways. So, I did make the batter correctly, but the flavor was still horrible; I couldn't stand the whole grain rice flour. It tasted old and musky and it overpowered everything. I dumped that in the trash. What a phenomenal waste of time just to figure out I didn't like something. It is random failed scenarios like this that flash through my mind when confronted with a problem that needs solving. I always manage to recall a seemingly innocuous detail that helps me solve a different dilemma. But, I wanted yummy, buttery pancakes not an exercise in positivity and pieces to future puzzles.

In my inbox this morning, I find a Hungry Girl email flaunting a couple of pancake recipes. I can only shake my head in response to the mocking reminder. Mostly because I can't get the whole debacle out of my head. I don't understand why it didn't work. As I am reading the recipes, I see all the ingredients that I had sitting out on the counter yesterday but didn't use. They were RIGHT THERE! I had everything I needed, but no direction. Then I zoom in on one ingredient. Whole wheat flour. It hits me, if I hadn't thrown out the rice flour yesterday, I would have used it in this recipe instead of the regular whole wheat flour. I would have hated them too. Instead, there is a chance that I have finally stumbled onto a recipe to satisfy my reoccurring pancake cravings.

None of this matters in the grand scheme of things. I will survive just fine if these pancakes turn out like crap too. But, it is an object lesson reminding me I am not omniscient. Just because I don't see the answers, doesn't mean they aren't there. It is a tangible experience to get me through intangible times.