Ode to My Mom

Ten years ago, I tried to get her to use email so we could communicate more often after I moved to Denver. Her first and last email to me for eight years was, "I hope you are happy. I am now going to Hell because you are making me use an instrument of the Devil to write this message."

So when I told her about my blog yesterday afternoon, the most I expected was indifference. Instead, the first words out of her mouth were, "Did you write about bacon? You HAVE to write about bacon!" This is when I realized that while I thought I was doing this for myself, I am actually writing this for her. Follow along and you will see why.

My mom called me back later in the evening because she had read my blog and wanted to comment on Goldie, but wasn't sure how to log in and could I walk her through the process. Also she was very upset that I didn't have any followers so she had to follow me so that I can have at least one.

While I was signing her up, I randomly mention, "Did you know that I am a robot?"

She nonchalantly replies, "Of course I know you are a robot. I'm your mom. I picked you up from the manufacturing plant when you were a baby."

What I meant was I can never read those pop up texts that ensure you are not some spambot. She had no clue what I was talking about, but it didn't even phase her. Weirdo.

After she had read through the other posts, she announced her idea on my next subject. I am not making this up, and this will explain SO much about who I am.

She tells me that my next post has to be about bunny slippers and how it is so scary to wear them. Because they have eyes. And you can't wear dresses and bunny slippers because they might peek at your underwear.

I love my mom.

She ended the conversation by telling me that I am her favorite daughter and her other two daughters don't compare. I assumed she meant my sister-in-laws which shocked me into silence*. So, she immediately followed up with, "I meant your brothers." Which turned a wildly misplaced statement into a totally awesome FACE! It is the long awaited for comeback to all the "your mama" jokes my brothers have told to each other over the years. Thank God she waited until I was blogging to finally say something insulting. About the boys. She has slammed me on more than one occasion.

Unlike the rest of the family's witty repartee, these jokes are always a little dazing. Mostly because she rarely says anything that might be construed as mean. But when she does a) she beats everyone else to the joke, which says a lot in my family; b) always sounds like she has been practicing the line for years waiting for that exact moment; and c) delivers it perfectly, generating a split-second of silence as everyone glances around awkwardly at each other to figure out if she is joking. Then the room dissolves into laughter. Meanwhile, I am left contemplating the fact that I was just burned by my mom and trying to decide if I should be offended or proud.

Hint: I am always proud. Thanks for being my first follower.
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*This totally horrified and shocked me into silence because she has taught me that when we marry, our spouses ARE her children and our family and they WILL be treated equally. Which is why I am doubly thankful that my sisters are absolutely amazing because it made the whole idea a no brainer. And also why I am very sorry. But you guys knew what you were marrying into, so maybe just kind of sorry.