Thursday, February 11, 2010

Humility - Brought to you by the letters PMS and the number mon0

Pride and fear of dependence are two things I have problems with in my life. I am afraid to let people do things for me. I want to be independent. I also have a history of people holding things over my head. They are the type of people who keep a running list of who has done what in a relationship. Actually it is more of a list of what they have done for me in a relationship. The list always comes out in the middle of an argument. It's like they think that they have the right to win any disagreement by recounting every favor they have done me whether I wanted it or not. So, over the years I try not to ask for anything or take anything even when offered.

I have been trying to get over that in the last year. I have failed miserably as evidenced by the fact that even with mono, I have tried my best to circumvent asking for or accepting any help whenever possible. Because of my unwillingness to admit that I am human, yesterday I had a temper tantrum that was on par with a two year old being told they can’t pour their own milk while their older sibling can. It consisted of me crying so hard I made myself hyperventilate and gag because my body couldn’t breathe or swallow while I screamed at the heavens at my cruel, cruel fate that left me barely hanging on. Hello drama queen. Talk about gaining perspective.

After I threw my giant, self-inflicted pity party, I put my big girl panties on. I have accepted seven offers of help in the last 24 hours. Is my whole world falling apart because I admit that I need help? No. Am I able to rest easier knowing that people care for me and I am taken care of? Grudgingly, I can answer yes. I guess sometimes I have to act like a child to realize I need to grow up.

So thank you PMS and Mono for making me come to my senses. Not that I really needed your help. I would have caved eventually. After all, I am out of bacon.

1 comment:

  1. I believe that more than growing up, its merely a huge sign of growth for those like us to ask for help. I too would never ask for help. Now whenever I ask someone to help me, I find it very freeing. It is still one of the hardest things for me though. I don't do it often enough. However I am quick to offer to help someone else, even when it ends up my wishing I'd learn to keep my big mouth shut.