Friday, February 5, 2010

How to Avoid Losing Weight with Mono

Two words: Bacon Fries

Yes. I did. I swear the fever made me do it. I had made Bacon and then when I went back to make fries a couple of hours later, I saw the pan. Just sitting there. All full of Bacony goodness and drippings and I did it. I fried the french fries in the Bacon grease and may God have mercy on my soul (and ass), but they were Fanfreaking Tastic. So good, I had to split that word in two so that you MIGHT be able to understand.

Now, I know that some of you are going to get freaked out that I used Bacon grease that had been sitting there for a couple of hours, but I can totally assure you that after frying the crap out of that, there were no freaking bacterias or germs left. Do you know how scalding hot that is? Have you ever stuck your hand in Bacon grease? Case closed.

Besides, I have mono and no energy to clean out a pan of perfectly good Bacon grease just so that I can add more Bacon grease from the fridge.

Yes, I keep my Bacon grease, don't judge me! I love all of the Bacon, even the grease. I am not one of those prejudicial people who only find uses for the parts they find attractive and then discard the rest. I am a purist, a realist and a true lover of Bacon. I don't try to change it. I revel in all of the wanton unhealthiness of it all.

Either accept the fact that you love and will eat Bacon no matter how bad it is for you or shut the hell up and go buy that crappy turkey-doesn't-even-deserve-to-be-called-bacon-with-a-lower-case-b and be done. If you can't accept Bacon for what it is, then you don't deserve to feel the love Bacon has to give. Bacon has moved on. Bacon has evolved! Bacon doesn't need your half assed excuses for why it will never be good enough. Bacon doesn't even want to be good enough. Bacon is leaving YOU this time. Yes, Bacon knows you have tried to put it aside before. Bacon isn't blind. Bacon knows you have fallen into the trap of the media and cannot look on it without shame. Bacon knows you have lied about eating it to your friends, your family and even yourself just to look good in your food journal on your daily calorie count. You only want to count the good foods in your life. You hide Bacon because you think it is wrong. Well, Bacon thinks you are wrong! Bacon has had enough of never measuring out proportionately to fit *your* idea of healthy standards. Bacon will no longer be subjected to *your* idea of nutritional value. Nothing will convince Bacon to stay in your home. Bacon has broken up with you. Bacon is leaving you. But Bacon can't drive or even walk. For once, do the right thing by Bacon. Fulfill Bacon's needs and wishes you selfish SOB! Pack Bacon up and drive it to a safe place where it can be truly loved for all that it is.

I am a safe place. Bring Bacon to me. I will nurture it, love it and give it the respect it deserves. In my belly.

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