Why I Should Be Blogging

Yeah, I don't know if you will be able to read all of that. I tried to make it big enough, but I suck at this sort of thing. If you look at the time posted, it was 17 minutes ago. That is a really long time for such a crappy, simple cut and paste. I just wanted to post this because I really should be blogging again. Otherwise, one person bears the brunt of my randomness. That is just too much for a single person to be responsible for.

My biggest issue is that I haven't been reading blogs. Usually I read another blog and then I start to see the world through their eyes. Then I want to post my world because I am seeing it differently and want to share. Maybe I just won't blog in the summer. I really had no desire to even read blogs until Thursday. That was when the weather suddenly shifted.

In Denver there is this weird thing that happens in September. The air suddenly gets its chill back. We will still have hot days. It is supposed to be 90 today. But from this point forward the wind will carry that tiny bit of freezing with it. I believe it is just to remind us that it could now snow at any minute. As a matter of fact, it is a big mistake to give us that little hint. We know it is going to snow the next day when it is 80 degrees and there is not a hint of chill in the air. I call it a temperature tsunami. All the cold gets sucked out of the air and then blows back in carrying massive amounts of snow.

True Story.

Update: You can't read it. But it really isn't important. If you truly think you need to read it, it is on my Facebook page right now. Or you can click on the picture and it will open in another web page. It is a little clearer and you can at least zoom in on the browser to read it. Experiment = Failed. Oh well.

If you would like to see a funny blog where the author doesn't fail go here. It is the blog mentioned in the Facebook post above. Except she has the cajones to cuss in her blog. A lot. So don't go there if that offends you. I would cuss, but I write this mainly for my mom and I don't want to piss off my target group.

Yes, I Am Still Alive

I am still here. Just hanging out waiting to find out what is wrong with me. When last you heard from me I was waiting for blood tests. Those blood tests had my primary doctor thinking I had an active virus and was contagious. She referred me to Infectious Diseases where I met the worst doctor yet. After he made me cry, he agreed to run the blood tests that he wasn't going to run because there weren't any treatments for the viruses, so he figured it didn't matter.

As it turns out, he was wrong. Those tests revealed that I did not have an active virus. Now it is back to the doctors office. Except this time I think Chronic mono can be ruled out and it is now narrowed down to Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. (Go Chronic Fatigue! It may take years to recover from, but at least you recover.) In the mean time, I still haven't had my disability reinstated. Apparently the paperwork they send to the doctor is virtually impossible to fill out. When the insurance company called, I politely explained this to them. I then told them I had been referred to occupational medicine for a full evaluation because my doctor wanted the paperwork filled out correctly. The agent immediately told me that wasn't necessary I could simply have my doctor submit a letter stating that I had been limited to part time work. This seemed unusual and after talking to the manager of my primary doctor's office, I found out why.

She told me that the evaluation would require a specialized office that had some machines they could hook me up to to fill out the paperwork correctly. She also told me it appeared the insurance company was making it as difficult as possible for me to follow through with my claim. She also said that I probably scared the insurance rep because if I actually get evaluated by occupational medicine, I will be given a disability rating. The insurance company may then be required to pay me for the rest of my life based on that little number.

I suddenly feel that it is important that the insurance paperwork be filled out correctly. I have no desire to be on disability for the rest of my life. I simply have a desire to pay my mortgage while I am unable to work. Is that so wrong? I didn't think so.

Needless to say, things around here are basically just getting through each day with the minimal of frustration. Luckily I have never been an active person and have always loved video games. Plus, I just got reading glasses, so I am finally able to read printed material again, so I am on my 3rd book in as many weeks. And I finally finished the book I have been working on since I got sick. Yay me! My prescription didn't change, I have always had a slight astigmatism, but have always been able to compensate. Apparently, I am so tired, my eye muscles don't even want to do that much.

I am not editing this you can read it as is, so take THAT! I will try to remember to update this with any news that may come up. However as you can see in this email, I really didn't have anything new to report.

Except the glasses. They are cute and I have always wanted glasses but never really needed them. So I guess that's new.

My New Motto

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

I decided this week to stop waiting for my life to go back to normal. I have been in this holding pattern for months. Now I have answers and it is time to put a new life together. It may go back to what it was, but I can't keep waiting on that. It is time to pursue new paths and live in the moment, not the future.

Lemon Juice

Helping find those little cuts you just don't know are there.

Legion of Infectious Diseased

One of my lovely friends told me that my illness is probably just the catalyst for my super powers and that I need to ask about it when the Legion of Infectious Diseases contacts me via my doctor referral. I have absolutely decided to use my powers for anarchy. Pretty much because I have been given the roller derby name that is awesome and won't work for good. Just call me Contagion. Those who know me might find a different spelling option.

The doctor visit went well. I really liked her. She didn't even give me a physical examination. It sounds weird for that to be a good thing but for me it meant she believed me when I told her what my symptoms were. That and she is so awesome, she had it figured out in about 15 minutes. She thought it was still Mono. If the tests came back negative, it was probably Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). Then she ran all kinds of tests on me because in order to diagnose the two latter illness, you have to rule everything out.

She called me this week with the results and asked if I had time to talk. That should have been a warning to me. She said not only do I still have Mono, but the antibody counts are actually higher than they were in January which makes me a Carrier. It also sounds like an awesome origin for a Super Being. Because this is outside of her experience and knowledge base, she had to refer me to Infectious Diseases. They would contact me and be able to tell me if this was Chronic or I will be a Carrier for the rest of my life.

Let me explain Chronic and Carrier. Chronic means that the Mono will go into remission and I will be subjected to random relapses for up to 16 years. Carrier means that I always exhibit symptoms and I am always contagious. Hence the roller derby name. Now God love everybody who says that this is a relief and at least I don't have Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. While I appreciate the sentiment because they know someone with these diseases and are relieved that I don't have to go through this mess, I am wondering why I am seeing it differently.

Did they all miss the phrase "for the rest of my life?" Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome can be treated. They know people who's lives are not easy, but they have lives. If I am a carrier, I will always exhibit symptoms, meaning I will always be sick. The only article I could find on this rarity basically said that some people just get stuck in this one phase of Mono. Even if I can somehow manage to find a way to suppress the symptoms and actually be on my feet for longer than two hours a day, I will still be contagious. Sure, it is only passed through saliva, but I am pretty sure that no company will employ someone who is a walking viral infection waiting to happen. The liability is just too great.

Don't misunderstand. I am not panicking or freaking out. I have this strange sense of peace. Maybe it's because I have been helpless to control my circumstances for almost eight months. I just figure whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I am not upset but I am not relieved or happy by any means. Although I am finding much humor in the situation. I heard the absolute best encouragement from my coworker yesterday who said, "Look at it this way. You're probably going to be forced to become a recluse and out of that you will become some great artist that everyone will just be in awe of." I think the reason this is the best thing I've heard is because she took in what was happening; looked at my future; and found the best possible outcome based on reality. (It doesn't hurt that my daydream response to this situation is to believe the exact same thing. In my version, I write the great American novel.)

It was grounding to have someone look at my life for what it is and still find something inspiring to say. I've begun to wonder if I am a cynic. I have never really thought about it before. I am usually all about finding silver linings and such that it never seemed possible that I could be. I think I am though. And I don't think it is a bad thing. I can look at what is before me without fear. I don't need to hope for my circumstances to change. I can't change what is going on. I can change me. I can adjust to my surroundings. But I can't do that and wish for things to change. What is the point of changing yourself if you are expecting you won't have to? These thoughts aren't really cynical in my opinion. I believe that is being a realist. I have always thought of myself as a realist.

What makes me think I am a cynic is the feeling I get when I talk to people who try to make me think that my circumstances are going to magically revert back to where they were. This feeling was not always there. I think I crossed a line about four months ago that turned me from realist to cynic. Something existential snapped and changed my innate reactions to people good intentions. I can't tell you what caused it, I only know that I have converted. My inner response is no longer a wistful longing to believe what the are saying.

My inner response is to picture me wearing big black boots and kicking them in the shins.

Back In The Saddle Again

OK, I am back from my visit to Hell. Whew, what a journey. As a summary of the latest events, I ran out of a few things that I had been taking regularly. (Astragalus, Vitamin D and Vitamin B) I kept deteriorating physically but because of everything that was going on, I thought it was due to stress. I reordered all my pills and am feeling much better now, thank you. Turns out that I am not so depressed when I am not in constant pain. Who knew?

I am off to a new doctor this Friday. Right now I am putting together a booklet of all my symptoms and medications/vitamins. I will also include copies of all of my blood work. Which shouldn't be hard since they only ran tests twice.

The bottom line is I am feeling much better. Well, I am back to not being laid out on the couch in pain. The timing is excellent. There really is a silver lining to everything. Because the stopping of treatments caused me to revert back to where I had been initially, I can see that I am not getting better. What I am learning to do is control my pain and fatigue.

A) I get to regain a small feeling of control in my life by taking care of myself.

B) I can go to my new doctor and say with confidence, I am not getting better, something is wrong. This is not mono.

Hopefully she will help me. My office friends have diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. I have to disagree since I have all the symptoms EXCEPT the tender spots. That is the only symptom they use to diagnose. Typically a patient has to have 11/18 points. As far as I can tell I have 0/18. But there are plenty of other treatable things that it could be. I am purely elated at the idea that I might be able to go back to work. It just sucks that for the last 7 months, all I have been told is to stay in bed and rest when I could have been treated this whole time.

I don't understand how doctors can get away with this sort of thing. This guy's laziness and incompetence has cost me seven months of my life including loss of income. There should be something I can do to get compensated for his refusal to do his job. If it were any other type of business, he would be required to issue me a refund. Why are doctors so much above the rest of society? Maybe if they weren't and were held a bit more accountable, this never would have happened to me.

I hate being the little guy.

How a Joke Is Born

Mom: Did you look up the symptoms for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

Me: I started to but I got tired.

Mom: Laughing hysterically.

Me: ???

Mom: Did you even hear yourself?