Yes, I Am Still Alive

I am still here. Just hanging out waiting to find out what is wrong with me. When last you heard from me I was waiting for blood tests. Those blood tests had my primary doctor thinking I had an active virus and was contagious. She referred me to Infectious Diseases where I met the worst doctor yet. After he made me cry, he agreed to run the blood tests that he wasn't going to run because there weren't any treatments for the viruses, so he figured it didn't matter.

As it turns out, he was wrong. Those tests revealed that I did not have an active virus. Now it is back to the doctors office. Except this time I think Chronic mono can be ruled out and it is now narrowed down to Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. (Go Chronic Fatigue! It may take years to recover from, but at least you recover.) In the mean time, I still haven't had my disability reinstated. Apparently the paperwork they send to the doctor is virtually impossible to fill out. When the insurance company called, I politely explained this to them. I then told them I had been referred to occupational medicine for a full evaluation because my doctor wanted the paperwork filled out correctly. The agent immediately told me that wasn't necessary I could simply have my doctor submit a letter stating that I had been limited to part time work. This seemed unusual and after talking to the manager of my primary doctor's office, I found out why.

She told me that the evaluation would require a specialized office that had some machines they could hook me up to to fill out the paperwork correctly. She also told me it appeared the insurance company was making it as difficult as possible for me to follow through with my claim. She also said that I probably scared the insurance rep because if I actually get evaluated by occupational medicine, I will be given a disability rating. The insurance company may then be required to pay me for the rest of my life based on that little number.

I suddenly feel that it is important that the insurance paperwork be filled out correctly. I have no desire to be on disability for the rest of my life. I simply have a desire to pay my mortgage while I am unable to work. Is that so wrong? I didn't think so.

Needless to say, things around here are basically just getting through each day with the minimal of frustration. Luckily I have never been an active person and have always loved video games. Plus, I just got reading glasses, so I am finally able to read printed material again, so I am on my 3rd book in as many weeks. And I finally finished the book I have been working on since I got sick. Yay me! My prescription didn't change, I have always had a slight astigmatism, but have always been able to compensate. Apparently, I am so tired, my eye muscles don't even want to do that much.

I am not editing this you can read it as is, so take THAT! I will try to remember to update this with any news that may come up. However as you can see in this email, I really didn't have anything new to report.

Except the glasses. They are cute and I have always wanted glasses but never really needed them. So I guess that's new.

Ack! and Am I the Only Person of My Generation That Likes MASH?

OK, folks here is the new procrastination deal. My internet has been screwy. And when I say "my" internet, I mean the person whose signal I borrow from has been screwy. So I have access and then I don't. Being that I haven't got a steady income, I have yet to fork over the money for my own connection. I never need it when I am working, and can't afford it when I am not.

Since this person is so technically unsavvy as to have an unsecured wireless signal in the heart of downtown Denver, I don't know when the situation will be righted. It usually takes a few days. Right now I have somehow managed to slip around the provider's website log in page. I have never been able to do that before and am not sure how I am doing it now. My computer is showing that I only have local access, meaning I am connected to their access point but not to the internet. And yet here I am.

This really is just another excuse. Multiple times I have thought to myself that I could just write up my blog entries and post them as I have access. But then the credits roll from the episode of MASH I am watching and I key up the next episode instead of opening Word. Why is it that everyone my age hates MASH? The most common answer I get is that their parents watched it relentlessly when they were kids which forced them to hate the show. That doesn't really make sense to me since my parents watched the show relentlessly and I love it as in I own the entire series on DVD love it. My brothers are the same way.

Hawkeye Pierce had an intense influence over how I see the world today. As I watch the shows again, I learn a lot from Colonel Potter. I don't know. I just don't see what is to hate. I still think it is the only show that actually portrays real human characters. The good guys aren't all good and the bad guys aren't all bad. It is just a bunch of people trying to get by in a crappy situation. They fail and succeed and sometimes their failures are intentional while their successes are are accidental. It is the only show where "no good deed goes unpunished." Life isn't about us or what we do. Crap happens on a regular basis regardless of how good we are or what choices we make. Often it is the best of us who get hurt the worst and the villains who end up in charge.

As humans we tend to think the world revolves around us when in reality we are hanging on by a slim thread as it rotates on its own axis. In life I don't get a pat on the head every time I do the right thing. If being good to others was easy everyone would do it. But it isn't easy, it entails unheralded sacrifices that we make because we know what is right. Sometimes we have to set our shoulders; take a deep breath; and brace ourselves for the repercussions of standing up with integrity. Mostly we just stumble along tripping over others while trying not to make too much of a mess.

The important thing is to grab hold of those others and help them along while we try to make our way. And if all else fails, laugh. I have yet to see another show where the characters laugh so hard you can't tell if it is great acting or the actors themselves unable to control their hilarity. They have the same gunshot burst of guffaws that I often embarrass myself with. Maybe that's where I learned to laugh loud and let the unexpected levity break through. Life is weird. There is always something inane to discover and revel in if you just look. These are the things I learned from MASH.

Why would you hate that? I just don't get it. But I plan on doing as much research as possible to figure it out. So please forgive me for a while longer. I have come to see that I am exhausted from trying to do too much and need to recharge. I seem to keep forgetting that I am sick and am allowed to lie about. I am going to shut down for a while; watch all 11 seasons of MASH; and try to recuperate. It has been kind of nice not being tied to my computer 16 hours a day just because it is within reach. My mom is going to be here next Thursday for almost two weeks and I have no idea what my posting will be like at that time either.

Since we get a little goofy and drunk off of each other's company, it could mean more posts than usual. I can't count how many times on the phone she has told me to post about something. Since I can't post and talk on the phone at the same time, I usually get distracted and forget to write. Or later it just doesn't seem as funny. I can totally see her dictating over my shoulder while she is here. I imagine my peeps giving many raised eyebrows to their screens as they try to figure out what is so funny about whatever random insanity we decide to share. Or we will be gallivanting around town in a rented wheelchair, spending too much time decorating my ride to even consider getting on line.

I'd give even odds so we'll all just have to wait and see.

Fiction Is Not My Preferred Style

The last fiction story I wrote was about thirteen years ago. I haven't yet found my voice, but I feel like I am getting close. It is harder for me to write fiction because I am more telling the story to myself. I am so curious to see where the train of thought is leading, I don't pay attention to the peripherals and leave out important transitions. I understand what I am trying to say so I forget to look for things that might confuse the average person who is not inside my head. I prefer to jump from action to action rather than spend time in description.

Also something people might find annoying is that I like reading books where descriptions are intentionally vague to allow the reader to create their own image. It allows me to fill in the holes with my experiences and images and makes the characters more identifiable and situations more believable. I tend to emulate this.

Normally I am trying to share a story with you, the reader, and am more contentious of making sure I explain all the details so you can get a clear picture of what I saw. All this means is that I am totally open to any suggestions or comments you may have and understand if you don't like this side of my writing. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I am an ego maniac and if I don't like what you have to say, I will think you are wrong and ignore you rather than take offense. It is how I roll.

I actually have Part II written, but there is very little action in it. So I am holding back printing it in case I don't get to Part III. Then, I can throw it up to keep you busy until I do. This shouldn't be a very long series. I am only planning three parts. It was originally only supposed to be one story. But when I write fiction I usually only know the ending. So I start where I think the beginning should be and follow the tangents until I end up where I planned. Sometimes I start too early. If I have any dreams or memories in the mean time, I will continue to post those.

I have been very tired the last few days and again, I have been using my limited energy reserves to keep up with life. This story works well right now simply because I can write it in the evening when I am not feeling "up" and it should still flow. As I have mentioned before, if I try to write when I have no energy, I sound very terse and bitter. Since I write about real memories, I want to make sure I do my best to portray them in a positive light to keep anyone's feelings from getting hurt. Dreams, however, are fair game.

Thanks for letting me indulge in a walk outside my comfort zone. I think you will be entertained and pleasantly surprised at the very least.

Now can someone please tell me why I have suddenly started smelling lilacs in the afternoon? It happened yesterday and I was intrigued, today it is a little weird.

The Anticipation Mounts

I have must have a twelve year old boy living inside me. Why do I find the word mount to be so snicker inducing?

I have been horribly absent from my blog these days. However, I promise to make it up to you soon. I am working on a story that will probably take you five days to read and allowing me to slack off, er, decide what direction I want to take from there. I am working on it tonight, but it ended up being much longer than I anticipated and I will probably have to forgo writing the ending and go to bed.

To give you a taste, it includes references to ninjas, pirates and maces, OH BOY!