How a Joke Is Born

Mom: Did you look up the symptoms for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

Me: I started to but I got tired.

Mom: Laughing hysterically.

Me: ???

Mom: Did you even hear yourself?

The Difference Between Religion and Faith

For some reason, I am lacking in fear for authority figures. It takes about 20 minutes to lose that initial intimidation factor. Not exactly 20 minutes, but pretty close. I came to this realization by interviewing for a position in my church's district administrative office. Not only was I subjected to the normal interview questions regarding my strengths and weaknesses, I was also asked a variety of lifestyle questions. A normal person would downplay any questionable habits and give nice, Christian answers. I would have done the same if those questions had come at the beginning of the interview. Unfortunately, the District Superintendent had spent quite a bit of time and charm disarming me and making me comfortable.

I confessed immediately that I was a closet smoker when asked. Disappointed at the turn of questions but knowing where they were headed, I added that I also had a beer now and then. I emphasized that I didn't drink in front of people who might take issue with it. He then asked if I felt that I was sinning because I took pains to hide both of these habits. Stunned at the question, I responded that I was ashamed of smoking because it was a horrible habit. I was careful about drinking so I didn't offend anyone who had a problem with it. He then asked if I would be willing to give them up to take the job and I came to a nice simmer.

I told him I would be willing to try and quit smoking since I wanted to anyway but, I would not stop drinking to uphold a mixed message. It was pointless for them to condone drinking but enforce abstinence among their employees. If the office had a problem with my drinking and didn't hire me that was fine, but I couldn't compromise my integrity. Surprisingly, this answer and my indignation went over quite well. He even told me he respected my answer and agreed that it was not a sin. Then he asked me how I felt about gambling and my gentle simmer turned to a rolling boil.

Suddenly realizing this interview had been a waste of both our time and irritated that he actually expected a thoughtful response, I began answering the questions with every intent of showing just how irrelevant I thought the subject was.

"I don't have a problem with gambling."

"Do you gamble?"

"I haven't yet, but I haven't really had an opportunity."

"So, do you want to gamble?"

"I've never really thought about it before, but it might be fun."

"So, if someone called me and told me that they saw you at a casino, what would you expect me I say to them?"

"Well, I would expect you to say, 'Oh yes, she told me that she was going to be out there playing bingo this weekend.' Because chances are, if I am going to gamble, it would be on Bingo. And, knowing me, I would talk about it nonstop the entire week before. Oh, and I would expect you to follow up by asking them how they enjoyed the casino."

When they called and offered me the job a week later, I was speechless. About a year in I jokingly asked if I could get my eyebrow pierced and he said yes. So, I did. At the pastors' retreat, they wanted newly pierced me to offer the group prayer at lunch in front of over 200 pastors and their wives. When I saw they weren't kidding, I pretended to get up and go for more food. Before I could make my escape, I was gently taken by the arm and led up to the front of the room. It was the weirdest mix of anger, satisfaction, embarrassment and affirmation I have ever felt. After I moved on to another job, I found out that I was quite unpopular with the district churches. He spent a lot of time on the phone shutting down people who called in to complain about me. I suspect that having me pray was a response to that backlash in addition to his phone conversations. He told me he answered every call the same way. "God cares about her heart, not her eyebrow. And I feel exactly the same."

That man helped shape the way I look at everyone including myself. Good on ya' wherever you are.

PS, I totally forgot the question that I think turned the tide for me. He asked what I would do if grown men started chasing each other around the office with squirt guns. I told him I would pull my preloaded super soaker from the bottom drawer and return fire.

Everything for a Reason

Disclaimer: I wasn't going to post this because I thought my crazy inner workings would offend; opinions on higher powers often do that. As a concession, I generalized all the God parts so you will able to read the what without being distracted by the who.

Lately I have been making all of these amazing fruit smoothies with the weirdest ingredients. Seriously weird. I have tried cumin, dill, basil, BBQ sauce, tarragon, soy sauce and pepper. They have each worked. Each morning I practice focusing to clear my head from distractions. It is a meditative exercise to throw out my perceptions about flavors and try anything I want. I take time to think about every ingredient, its flavor, aroma (or odor), affect it will have, and amount that will enhance without overpowering the finished result. I am listening to the inspirations inside of me instead of assuming I already know the outcome. Everything can work if balanced properly. Some things can even be neutralized. The results with the smoothies are incredible. The calming factor that it has given me is the miracle I've needed to get through 72 days with no income, no health and little sanity. Having this one small tangible thing where the outcome doesn't matter gives me something to hold on to when I have to face the big intangibles that do matter. Like my mortgage, my pain and my bed rest.

Yesterday I tried baking. It was crap. The grapefruit glaze was decent and workable, but the cakes were just awful. I was already crabby and irritated before I started. I felt completely disillusioned when nothing worked out after a couple of hours. I was intentionally going back to my kitchen experiment because I couldn't seem to focus on anything. I can't tell if the Adderall is giving me an afternoon drop in mood or if I am just tuckered out after trying to do so much after doing nothing for so long. Everything failed, even my iced coffee. How could coffee suck so much? It wasn't that it tasted bad, but my dissatisfied mood added its own unique, icky aftertaste.

As I was scraping all the crappy cakes into the garbage, I tried to Pollyanna it and neutralize the negative. I learned a bunch of things. I cooked the batter three different ways. So, I did make the batter correctly, but the flavor was still horrible; I couldn't stand the whole grain rice flour. It tasted old and musky and it overpowered everything. I dumped that in the trash. What a phenomenal waste of time just to figure out I didn't like something. It is random failed scenarios like this that flash through my mind when confronted with a problem that needs solving. I always manage to recall a seemingly innocuous detail that helps me solve a different dilemma. But, I wanted yummy, buttery pancakes not an exercise in positivity and pieces to future puzzles.

In my inbox this morning, I find a Hungry Girl email flaunting a couple of pancake recipes. I can only shake my head in response to the mocking reminder. Mostly because I can't get the whole debacle out of my head. I don't understand why it didn't work. As I am reading the recipes, I see all the ingredients that I had sitting out on the counter yesterday but didn't use. They were RIGHT THERE! I had everything I needed, but no direction. Then I zoom in on one ingredient. Whole wheat flour. It hits me, if I hadn't thrown out the rice flour yesterday, I would have used it in this recipe instead of the regular whole wheat flour. I would have hated them too. Instead, there is a chance that I have finally stumbled onto a recipe to satisfy my reoccurring pancake cravings.

None of this matters in the grand scheme of things. I will survive just fine if these pancakes turn out like crap too. But, it is an object lesson reminding me I am not omniscient. Just because I don't see the answers, doesn't mean they aren't there. It is a tangible experience to get me through intangible times.

Positively Providential

I promised myself that I would not get all preachy on here, but then I remembered it's my blog and I can do what I want. I've had a lot of time to look at providence these days. Being out of work for two months can do that to you. (Yes, it is two months today.)

Whenever I think of providence I remember a scene in the Anne of Green Gables movie. When Anne arrives with her adoptive parents, it is discovered that a mistake has been made. They wanted a boy to help with the farm, so they decide to send her back to the orphanage. When Marilla drives Anne over to return her the woman says, "Just this morning Mrs. Blewett was telling me how she would like a little girl." Then Mrs. Blewett shows up and the lady says, "Why there she is now, I call this positively providential." There is a short conversation that shows just how unhappy Anne would be living with this crabby lady. (Another favorite line, "I don't know but the wiry ones work the hardest.") Marilla says that she doesn't know and she really should talk to Matthew before she makes the decision to return Anne and she turns back home.

I love this scene because it shows providence works the opposite of how we think. God knows how we work, He knows just what will push us one way or another. Marilla didn't care about doing what was right at that moment, she just wanted to spite someone she despised. That may not seem like providence, but it was the only thing that would make Marilla reconsider her decision. The point to me is that it doesn't really matter what we do or why, when something is meant to be it will be. We think providence provides for us, when really providence is making sure that it all goes down the way it is supposed to. Like those Greek tragedies where people desperately try to avoid the outcome that the oracle predicts and in the end it is their very actions that lead to the fulfillment of the prophecies.

That and I think God has a sense of humor. He enjoys watching us try to make things go the way we want, when in reality we just end up right where He wants us. The difference when we try to force the outcome instead of letting it happen is that the path is rockier and harder than it had to be. Don't get me wrong. I do believe that we can muck things up by making bad decisions. It's just that as long as we are living our lives trying to do the right thing, the right thing will happen in spite of our mistakes and rebellions. It is when we stop trying to do the right thing that life will spiral out of control. It can be fixed even after we destroy it, but that takes us giving up everything we've set out to attain and going back to the beginning. Sometimes that is just too hard and that is when a life loses its way. I've done that a couple of times. Frankly, I'd rather not go down that road again. It's not worth destroying myself just to prove I can.

I am going with the flow these days. It's easy to be relaxed when I remember about providence. It reminds me that I don't have to worry about screwing things up or making a bad decision. Providence will auto correct my course for me. That is what it does. It doesn't hurt that I don't have any other options right now. I have to trust that or go nuts with worry. I've got enough crazy, I think I'll pass on another helping.