Internet Tests, I Love Having Proof

So I got served an Americano last night. It was not decaf. The following is why I try not to drink it. I was going to remove some of the test results, but since I am a little annoyed, I have a sudden urge to be annoying!

First, I did have a couple of bizarre dreams. The last one left me feeling jumpy and scared, so I GOT UP AT 4:00 AM!

1. I have been having a lot of shopping dreams. So many that last night I revisited a mall that had been a backdrop in a previous dream. When I saw a pair of shoes that I liked on display, I started to leave my group to go to the shoe department. Then I remembered that I had just seen everything they had and it was too soon for them to have added new inventory or dropped prices. I laughed when I woke up.

2. A big group of people were all staying overnight at someone's house for a type of slumber party. For some reason, I decided to sleep in the sideyard. I woke up hearing voices coming from the front of the house. They were strangers, not people from the party. I then realized that not only had one of them seen me, I had kicked off my sleeping bag and pajama bottoms in my sleep. I heard him going to get the others so I started looking for my pants. I finally found them and put them on while sitting down trying to maintain some form of modesty. I grabbed my teddy bear and ran around the house to the back door just as I heard them coming. The dream suddenly turned very frightening and I woke up yelling.

Sometimes when I wake up from those, I can't let myself go back to sleep because I go straight back to the nightmare or something worse happens. So, I got up instead thinking I would go back to sleep at daybreak when I would be less likely to have a bad dream. It is now 8:00; I am still not tired and now I have to go take my Adderall. I am so curious as to what today will be like. The good news is I barely feel fatigued. I almost feel normal.

One thing I am sure of is that there is a nap in my future.

Your result for The 3 Variable Funny Test...

the Cutting Edge

(57% dark, 42% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK



Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top.

Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing.


PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi




The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules -

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Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test...

English Genius

You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 87% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

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Your result for The Personality Defect Test...

Televangelist

You are 29% Rational, 100% Extroverted, 0% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant.

As the Lord as my witness, I swear upon the good book that you are indeed the TELEVANGELIST!

Characterized by extreme arrogance, self-assurance, and extroversion, you would make a very charismatic leader (though not a very good one). On top of that, you are also more intuitive than rational, predisposing you to a more spiritual or emotional outlook on life. Thus, you are thoroughly irrational, and you tend to think that sound logical reasoning is overrated, and that it is much better to trust your gut instincts--which must be pretty big instincts, considering the size of your gut. You also tend to be rather gentle and considerate of others' feelings. Clearly, you would make the perfect televangelist. You could easily fleece people of their money and their dignity like so many sheep. Emotional, extroverted, arrogant, and gentle, you annoy the hell out of people who have to listen to the feel-good, intuitive shit spewing from your mouth. Not only that, but people may look down on you as a self-centered asshat. So while you are gentle and genuinely care about others, it is quite clear that you still care about yourself MORE. Why is your personality flawed? Because you are too damned extroverted, emotional, and arrogant. So preach your irrational message, brotha-man! I assure you, no one will be listening. Except for a few bums. But they just want you to feed them crackers and wine.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.

Your result for The What type of MAN turns you on Test...

Tough guy

You scored 85% masculine, 71% athletic, 45% exotic, and 50% refined!

You love men, you love testosterone and you know it. You like a bad-ass man who knows what he wants. He isn't what you might bring home to mom but I don't think it really matters - he's hot! Someone like.....Vin Diesel. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

Take The What type of MAN turns you on Test at OkCupid

Your result for The Brutally Honest Personality Test...

Scumbag- ENFP

60% Extraversion, 60% Intuition, 40% Thinking, 40% Judging

I have a feeling you're not going to like this much. Do I care? No. How do I know? It's because you hate criticism. You love to be loved and you'll do anything to be accepted.

Unfortunately for you, I can see right through your insincere compliments and over-the-top greetings. No matter what you do, I'll always hate you for what you are. An arrogant, unstable, overly enthusiastic scumbag.

I bet you're pretty proud of your accomplishments, huh? You seem to achieve at whatever you put your little mind too. Trust me. Nobody likes the person who is good at everything. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

This might also have something to do with the fact that you're a cheating machine. You're just not the type of person to make long-term commitments. You enjoy seeing "what could be", rather than being satisfied with "what is." This, of course, means you often leave others in the dust while you seek out another lover.

Well, at least you're not the one left in the dust.

Unfortunately, when you're the one lying in the gutter with a bloody knife in your back, you might think differently.

*****************

If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.

Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test at OkCupid

Everything for a Reason

Disclaimer: I wasn't going to post this because I thought my crazy inner workings would offend; opinions on higher powers often do that. As a concession, I generalized all the God parts so you will able to read the what without being distracted by the who.

Lately I have been making all of these amazing fruit smoothies with the weirdest ingredients. Seriously weird. I have tried cumin, dill, basil, BBQ sauce, tarragon, soy sauce and pepper. They have each worked. Each morning I practice focusing to clear my head from distractions. It is a meditative exercise to throw out my perceptions about flavors and try anything I want. I take time to think about every ingredient, its flavor, aroma (or odor), affect it will have, and amount that will enhance without overpowering the finished result. I am listening to the inspirations inside of me instead of assuming I already know the outcome. Everything can work if balanced properly. Some things can even be neutralized. The results with the smoothies are incredible. The calming factor that it has given me is the miracle I've needed to get through 72 days with no income, no health and little sanity. Having this one small tangible thing where the outcome doesn't matter gives me something to hold on to when I have to face the big intangibles that do matter. Like my mortgage, my pain and my bed rest.

Yesterday I tried baking. It was crap. The grapefruit glaze was decent and workable, but the cakes were just awful. I was already crabby and irritated before I started. I felt completely disillusioned when nothing worked out after a couple of hours. I was intentionally going back to my kitchen experiment because I couldn't seem to focus on anything. I can't tell if the Adderall is giving me an afternoon drop in mood or if I am just tuckered out after trying to do so much after doing nothing for so long. Everything failed, even my iced coffee. How could coffee suck so much? It wasn't that it tasted bad, but my dissatisfied mood added its own unique, icky aftertaste.

As I was scraping all the crappy cakes into the garbage, I tried to Pollyanna it and neutralize the negative. I learned a bunch of things. I cooked the batter three different ways. So, I did make the batter correctly, but the flavor was still horrible; I couldn't stand the whole grain rice flour. It tasted old and musky and it overpowered everything. I dumped that in the trash. What a phenomenal waste of time just to figure out I didn't like something. It is random failed scenarios like this that flash through my mind when confronted with a problem that needs solving. I always manage to recall a seemingly innocuous detail that helps me solve a different dilemma. But, I wanted yummy, buttery pancakes not an exercise in positivity and pieces to future puzzles.

In my inbox this morning, I find a Hungry Girl email flaunting a couple of pancake recipes. I can only shake my head in response to the mocking reminder. Mostly because I can't get the whole debacle out of my head. I don't understand why it didn't work. As I am reading the recipes, I see all the ingredients that I had sitting out on the counter yesterday but didn't use. They were RIGHT THERE! I had everything I needed, but no direction. Then I zoom in on one ingredient. Whole wheat flour. It hits me, if I hadn't thrown out the rice flour yesterday, I would have used it in this recipe instead of the regular whole wheat flour. I would have hated them too. Instead, there is a chance that I have finally stumbled onto a recipe to satisfy my reoccurring pancake cravings.

None of this matters in the grand scheme of things. I will survive just fine if these pancakes turn out like crap too. But, it is an object lesson reminding me I am not omniscient. Just because I don't see the answers, doesn't mean they aren't there. It is a tangible experience to get me through intangible times.

Since I can't get out, my brain has obliged us by giving me another vivid dream.

It starts in a classroom upstairs in a theater type room. You were there, and you were there, and you were there! In other words, I recognized a crapload of people in this dream. My classmates are my high school graduating class, but I can only visualize the ones that were also in my 6th grade class. Everybody looks the same as I last remember seeing them, creating a weird age range. I am an adult. I know because I grabbed my purse to look for my city bus pass when class was over.

Instead of the pass, I discover the bananas I bought this week are spoiled. I am trying to figure out how they have gotten black spots while the stems are still green, when I find the three, old, rotten bananas on the very bottom of my purse. I throw out the old ones and the new bunch of five because they are spoiled. The new bunch of three aren't too bad so I keep them to freeze. In the bottom of my purse all that is left now are random cough drops and loose change covered in rotten banana. My hands are gross and I am not happy.

I get picked up by one of my previous managers. She drives to a souvenir shop in a flea market where all the stalls are mini log houses. It doesn't look like a place that would carry the blouse she is looking for, but she assures me that they have it because she called ahead. She tells us to look around at all the other shops and we will meet up later.

The dream then turned into a Lifetime movie about an eleven year old girl and her adult brother, who was mentally slow. I was just an observer.

Enter Sadistic Guy (SG). The girl and brother suddenly step from the flea market to SG's home in rural America. The little girl discovers that SG had abused the wife's invalid mother before they moved into their own home and is now beating the wife. It will only be a matter of time before he starts abusing the kids. The girl tries to get the wife to run away, but she refuses to help. In trying to save herself, she finds that the garage is the only way out. A montage of escape scenes ensue where the girl keeps trying to run away. As the door goes up we see him slowly revealed starting with his shoes. The girl is crouched on the floor waiting to run as soon as the door is high enough for her to pass under. Unfortunately she is looking back towards the house and never sees him standing there. He grabs her and takes her back into the house, always with a horribly evil leer on his face. She always had on different shoes, from flip flops to giant black rain rubbers.

She manages to get out to the front yard and talk to two guys in different sports cars and tries to get them to call 911. They tell her they can't because their New York cells will call the New York police instead of local police. I get so frustrated with their idiocy I become the girl in order to explain how 911 calls work. They tell me it is still no good because we are in the country and at this hour they would only reach an answering machine. Before I can tell them the situation, SG comes out of the house and kills both of them. I start running.

I pass the neighbor's home on the next hill because no one is home and find another house where I can see the older brother pacing in front of the window. Now that I am the little girl, I know that he is not really my brother. My parents had him come live with us because he had no where else to go. I start to go in, but another car stops and a man yells at me to not go in because the brother is the son of a murderer. His father left him the house when he died that is why he is now living there.

I try to get The Man (TM) to call 911 and he repeats the answering machine story. I tell him to call anyway so someone will come looking for us. He says he doesn't know the address of where we are, so he doesn't think it will help but calls. In the middle of leaving a message, he gets another call indicated by a flashing red light on the phone. I know that it is SG and yell at TM not to take the call. He won't listen because I am a little kid and switches over to the other line and starts shouting, "Who is this?" When he won't listen to me yelling at him to hang up, I turn and run.

When TM sees me run, he finally hangs up to come after me. I tell him that SG is coming; the 911 number must automatically call SG and that is how he got TM's number. He only called back to track the call and find us. I tell him that SG will now try to kill him and we have to get away. Before we can get into the car, we hear him driving around the corner. TM yells at me to run and hide while he deals with SG. I start running up these cliff like boulders that are all reddish brown like the southwest dessert mountains. I keep jumping from one to another trying to hide. Each one I jump to is higher and higher off of the ground.

SG drives around the corner, and looks up to see me. In my dream I get pissed because I refuse to get caught, so the scene rewinds and the boulder changes shape. I look for a place to hide. SG drives around the corner looks up and sees me. The dream rewinds five or six times before I am finally on a cliff that is really high up and has a crevice that I can slip into but can't be seen from down below. SG drives around the corner, looks up but can't see me this time and the dream continues. He starts badgering TM asking him where I am. The whole time they are circling TM's car. TM says he knows me and then says, "That B- stole my wallet when I pulled over to see if she needed a ride. That is why I called 911." He sticks to this story until the SG thinks it might be true. Then he pulls a freakin chainsaw out of his trunk and starts chasing TM with it. I am watching this and feel horrible because I am in the only place to hide, but TM won't lead him up to where I am so he has no where to run. He manages to lock himself in a wooden shed on stilts that is maybe 6 x 6.

I realize that SG will just light it on fire and in that moment, I jump into TM's body inside the shed. Through the cracks in the walls, I can see SG dousing the shed with gasoline. In my head I think that he will not hang around after the shed is on fire so if I can wait it out, I can get the little girl down from the cliff to help me. Apparently I realize that I can control both of these characters. Since I am inside his head I can see what a good person he is. I am impressed that even as the guy faces a gruesome death through fire, he doesn't say where the girl is to try and save himself.

All of a sudden the chainsaw comes through the side of the building. I leap out of the way and it disappears, only to cut through the building in a different location. I realize that he is just messing with me and is going to keep randomly thrusting the blade through the walls until he hits me. He is going in a clockwise pattern around the building, but soon he will cut in a different place trying to surprise me. When I realize that he can cut through the floor and ceiling, and that there might not be an escape, I try to reimagine the shelter to rewind the dream like I did with the rock. All of a sudden the blade comes through the wall behind me and cuts into the right side of my back. I wake up to a muscle spasm in the same place. Not a hurty one, just the muscles vibrating in reaction to the dream. It still feels a little weird.

Don't expect me to blog all my dreams I don't want them to reveal any secrets facts about me. You know, like I am actually a psychotic. Or that I am now taking prescription speed. Wait, I talked about that yesterday.

Who am I kidding, I have no secrets.

Adderall is Icky

That is my initial impression. So far I have experienced, pressured speech, intense mania, jitters and vomiting. I just spent an hour typing out a blog that I realize is contrived and forced. So, I'm not posting it. The thing is, I think that this medication is on the right track. I do feel better now. Tired, but better. That could just be the mono. I am going to ride this out for a month to see what it does for me. I may just need to adjust. And it wouldn't be fair to judge it fully until the mono actually goes away.

Don't fret about the vomiting. I have a feeling I am going to experience the decreased appetite side effect. When I was younger if I tried to make myself eat when I wasn't hungry, I would gag. I used to have to eat a meal as fast as I could so that I could get as much in as possible before my throat closed up. Then when my metabolism slowed down and I actually gained an appetite, I still ate the same way, but I never got full. So, I gained 20 pounds and had to relearn how and what to eat. Basically I am well versed in eating habits, so I have full confidence that I will manage to work my way around this little snag.

I have got to get out of the house. I feel like l am 80 discussing all of my medical problems and eating habits. I even used the word pocketbook the other day in a conversation with a delivery guy. The minute I said it, I had the sudden flash of what my life was going to look like when I am old and a shut in. I haven't blogged for days, because there isn't anything to blog about. I am supposed to be getting out of the house and increasing my stamina, so maybe something will happen in my journey and give me some material.

If not you are going to be subjected to a lecture on body pain in great detail. Here's rooting for my life to come back!