Acupuncture Is What I Imagined Going to a Psychic Would Be Like

The first part was like a normal doctor visit. I filled out paperwork and the acupuncturist asked questions to clarify information. Then we went upstairs and it was more like a massage appointment except I only took off my shoes and socks. I was asked to lie down on my back and he felt my wrist. That's where it took on a more dream like quality.

Right away he said my liver was the issue. Then he felt a different part of my wrist and stood there for a few minutes. He felt that there was some stagnant blood in my system. Then he placed his hand on my lower abdomen and asked how my cycles were going. When I turned 30, I started having two cycles a month, which was bad enough but they were accompanied by extra horrific Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type mood swings. So I was put on The Pill. The dose had to be increased when the symptoms resurfaced. Lately, they have started again. There is more, but I don't want to get graphic. Let's just say he was right on the mark.

At this point he went off into a rant about doctors medicating without diagnosing and then proceeded to explain what happens with hormones during a woman's cycle. Hormones circulate through the blood stream, making the body perform different functions until processed by the liver so they can exit the body. My liver has been taxed and unable to process them. Instead of removing excess hormones, I was put on The Pill increasing hormone production to overpower what was left in my system and create normal cycles. He went on to white blood cells should be able to fight this virus off. To be honest, I sort of zoned out and don't know what the connection is.

Then the needles came out. I was curious to find out what it would feel like after everyone said it feels like a prick, but doesn't hurt. I am here to tell you THEY ARE LYING! It pricks alright, like being STUCK WITH A FRICKING NEEDLE! Most of them stopped hurting after insertion. Some felt like being pinched and took a couple of minutes before it stopped. One needle went into the group of muscles that runs down my forearm to my thumb. I have now idea how one little needle can cause twelve inches of pain. I do know that wriggling it around, doesn't help. I assume he was trying to get it into the correct position, but I immediately thought of butterflies stuck to boards while they are still alive. It was a dull ache that went down to my bone eventually subsiding as well; until I forgot and moved my thumb. It wasn't bad when the needles were all finally in, just uncomfortable.

While he was inserting the needles, my mind wandered to work and finances. Mid-thought, he shook his hand while jerking it back from the needle he was adjusting. I swear he gave me a dirty look and said that he got a shock from me to his hand. Since he was pointedly looking at me as if I stabbed him, I asked what that meant. He said HE didn't know; something in me had jumped out and shocked him. I confessed I had thought about work and money. He scolded, telling me to keep my thoughts in the present. The needles were like conduits magnifying my energy to his hand. Which horrified me because at one point I had distracted myself with thoughts of Vin Diesel. It also gave me an extreme sense of power and sadistic desire to see if I could do it again. Unfortunately, he seemed wary of any further needles. Or he was finished. I doubt he thought I would intentionally shock him. Just goes to show, you never really know what is going on inside someones head.

After that he left the room. During one of the times he came back to check on me, he put charcoal some to heat them up. I thought the charcoal was going to heat up. But, no. He whipped out a flamethrower. I swear I almost jumped out of my skin when he turned it on. It was good that he wasn't touching a needle, because I might have killed him with my fear. OK, it wasn't a blow torch. It looked like a creme brulee torch. Still, you don't expect one to get fired up and pointed at your leg.

I was on the table for two hours. He said I should feel rearing to go, but I was wiped. I guess I was supposed be so relaxed I would sleep. I don't know if my body is that messed up or what, but it felt like things inside me were twisting. Not in a bad way, just like they were working themselves back into place. It reminded me of when the doctor made me wear arch supports to help with my knees. They stopped the knee pain, but for two weeks it felt like my legs were being twisted in a vice. My muscles had to get back into realignment and it was painful and exhausting. But, if my body is so out of balance that it hurts to be corrected with a couple of pin pricks, then I probably need it pretty badly.

Before I left he gave me some homeopathic remedies to use at home. It consisted of pills to take twice a day; powder to mix with juice; and dirt to mix with hot water and drink like a tea. (Who the hell calls dirt flavored water "like tea?" Probably the same person who doesn't think acupuncture hurts.) I still have to go back 5 or 6 more times before I am healed. Then we can work on the whole hormone issue.

Won't that be fun. I wonder if it will feel like cramps?