I Jinxed Myself

As soon as I typed the word "tomorrow" at the end of yesterday's post, I knew I was in for trouble. Some of you may have been expecting to read Part II of Why I Sleep With a Nightlight. Instead you will be treated to Why I Can't Sleep. I will warn you this is about "girl stuff." If that bothers you, skip it.

To refresh your memory, my acupuncturist believes my problem is that my liver has been unable to metabolize hormones out of my body. Instead of the doctors taking those hormones out, they put me on The Pill, overloading my system with more hormones. I hope everything I am going through points to healing. The treatments are definitely doing something in my body. This last week my cycle has been like it was before I went on The Pill five years ago. It is funny how easily we forget the things we had to overcome in the past.

I used to get mind numbing cramps the first day of my period that started in the wee hours of the morning and got progressively worse throughout the day. I would try to go to school, but always ended up having to go home. When I got older, I thought it was irresponsible for me to take a day off of work once a month when none of the other women I knew did the same. Instead, I would drag myself to work, barely functional and count down the day minute by minute until I could leave. I did eventually find something that took away the pain, but it also knocked me out. Instead I had to struggle to stay awake.

If I could go back in time, I would assure my younger self that I was not weak and this pain was not normal. I would also give myself permission to take that day off of work. Then I would ask what it was that killed the pain because I am desperately trying to remember right now. I would also encourage myself to start tracking my cycle so I could see how much of my moodiness could be attributed to PMS.

On The Pill, I had one day of PMS exactly one week before I menstruated. This would involved grumpy mood swings, anxiety and nervousness. Off of The Pill, and this last week, I have had Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde scale mood swings, anxiety and nervousness. I have actually caught myself multiple times before I threw an inanimate object out of anger. I have also suddenly become fixated on being out of work and my finances when I haven't before. I managed to forget that these fits went away with medication. Somehow I had altered my memory to see myself as just being emotionally immature. I thought I had grown up and learned self-control. For the record, that is a falsehood!

I had so many emotional issues, I am surprised I was not institutionalized at some point. Layer on top of that intense, uncontrollable moods that swing erratically between depression and rage for an entire week every month and you get one insecure, confused, little girl. Even with the knowledge I have now, I couldn't make myself remember that I was just going through PMS this week. Which makes sense. One day is PMS, seven days is an altered mood and attitude. But, it was still out of my control. Until just now I used to be thoroughly ashamed of myself for being unable to control my emotions. Now, I just feel bad that I had to go through that without knowing what was wrong and thinking I was crazy. Because I didn't track my cycles and I had no idea it was PMS.

I am sure it is the PMS talking, but I honestly feel sad. I was such a wreck back then because of so many outside factors. Lack of sunlight made me suicidal for years. PMS made me crazy one fourth of the time. So many things that made me think I was insane and worthless were out of my control. I am glad that I was able to finally escape all of that. But I can't help aching a little for that lost and lonely, young woman. With a little bit of knowledge, she could have avoided so much suffering and anguish. My heart wishes I could comfort her even as I realize that I could not have become the person I am without going through all of that.

By the way, I am awake because of the cramps. They are worth the trade for a healthy liver. In all honesty, I am not willing to give up my emotional stability. If there is one thing I have learned throughout this bout of mono, it is that I can live without a lot of things including my health as long as I have my sanity.

That is a dealbreaker. It was a miracle I made it out the first time and I am not willing to find out if I can do it again.

Buh-Larg!

Today was seriously the worst day of this whole mono stint. I am going to gripe and whine and this probably won't be amusing but I have to get it out of my system. So, skip it if you aren't into pity parties. I have a friend who firmly believes in pity parties. She says sometimes life just gets to be too much and you have to put on sack cloth, crawl into a dark closet and give yourself permission to be upset for 24 hours. I don't know if my 24 hours started this morning or right now, but either way I have at least 7 hours left.

I woke up this morning in unbelievable pain. It feels like I have been working out for hours after months of inactivity. Not much of a metaphor since that is exactly what has happened. I am so exhausted I just keep crying. I don't mean to, it just happens. I stop for two seconds and when I think about the next thing I have to do, the tears start rolling. I am on massive ibuprofen doses and they work for a little while in the morning, but today I couldn't even get that relief.

Yesterday I was so proud of myself. I went to work and put in six hours before I went home. I was tired, but it wasn't like I pushed myself. To wake up like this was totally unexpected. I made it to work and hung in there for two hours thinking I would feel better once I was there. I was so relieved when the other assistant came in, I started crying again because I knew I could go home. They would have let me leave earlier, but I just couldn't accept defeat before that two hour mark.

I am so desperately tired of feeling like crap. It seems like I've never been well. I think I have been sick since last September, it has been at least that long since I have felt rested or had any energy. It got easier when the mono finally knocked me down. It was such a relief to know I was sick and not have to worry about what was wrong with me. But now, I'm just discouraged. I know this isn't going to be forever but it feels like it. My mom said this morning that it sounded like I had lost hope. I thought that was silly, I know I am going to get better. But as I sit here writing this I think she might be right. I think that is why I have been crying all day. If I could just get a few moments of relief, I think it would be enough to get me over this next challenge of building my body back up.

I don't even know if I am really better. I my throat still gets sore when I get tired and that can't be because of muscle fatigue. I also know that I am just plain exhausted. Body, mind and soul I am worn thin or worn out. I think I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid to face how I will feel tomorrow. I don't want another day like today.

You know how when your stomach hurts, sometimes you just have to throw up so you can start to recover. Well I just verbally threw up. All over you. Sorry about that, but thanks for being there for a minute with me. I definitely feel better now that I have said all of that.

Or the Nyquil I took in desperation just kicked in. Either way, I think I can sleep now.