And Now a Visit From Chef Gordon Ramsey

More fun in dreamland!

Last night I dreamed that I was a contestant on Hell's Kitchen. The weird part was that it all took place at my Uncle & Aunt's house. They weren't there, but my cousins from Hide & Seek were. While the it was on the same property, it was a completely different house. I only know it was in the same place because I could see the front yard from the kitchen window. Ramsey was upstairs in another kitchen with a bunch of contestants. The contest had him taking us one by one into this tiny little pantry-kitchen about 6x6. It had a stove lining one wall and a sink lining the opposite wall, leaving very little room for Gordon and one other person. Things were crazy and everyone else was tense, but I was just relaxed and waiting for my turn.

Since I wasn't up for a while, I decided to go downstairs to the main kitchen to get coffee. It was early in the morning and being the nice person that I am, I asked everyone else if they would like me to bring them a cup. I popped my head into the pantry/kitchen and asked Gordon if he would like some as well. He actually looked touched.

Then he decided to throw me another test and asked me to make him breakfast. Instead of telling me what he wanted, he started speaking French and gave me a list of ingredients. I told him I wouldn't be able to remember everything by the time I got downstairs. I was also desperately looking around for paper and pencil to write it all down when he looked at me and said, "Look at me. Now, concentrate Love, you can do this, yeah?" This was followed by a second list of ingredients this time in a French accent. As I went downstairs, I realized that the first list was in English but with the accent and weird phrasing I hadn't recognized all the ingredients. I started repeating the list so that I wouldn't forget them. Potatoes, pencil onions, sausage and oregano.

When I got to the downstairs kitchen, I was horrified to see that the kitchen was a mess and everything I needed had already been used. There had been another challenge taking place in this kitchen. It had been led by Gordon's very yummy sous chef, Scott Liebfried. I looked around for something I could use. There was a prep bowl of green onions, sausage meatballs and a pan of cooked hashbrowns. I figured that was just about everything he had asked for so I would go from there. E and T were sitting at the table in the breakfast nook eating the remains of the challenge. I asked them if they thought there were any other onions around. They told me to help myself to whatever was in the fridge and then they left for work. I opened the refrigerator to see if I could find white onion. I found more raw sausage meat balls and patties.

I thought about using them, but they had been mixed with red and green peppers. I didn't have time to pick them out and I didn't think that would go with the oregano. I saw a lot of red onions that looked like they had been cut into rings for hamburgers. I rejected those out of hand because I wouldn't be able to cook them long enough to without overcooking the rest. There were a bunch of ends of white and yellow onions scattered throughout the fridge but they were all moldy. As I opened the vegetable crisper and saw the green onions, it hit me that they were shaped like pencils if you thought of the white part as an eraser. Pencil onions must have been a French description of green onions.

Realizing I had everything I needed I went back to the stove. The first thing I did was look through the sausage balls for all the undercooked ones. Apparently in every contest someone invariably undercooks the meal. I was starting to prep everything to cook when Scott came over and asked what I was doing. When I explained the situation to him, he jumped in and offered to help. As long as he only followed my directions, it wasn't cheating for him to do the cooking. It occurred to me at this point in the dream that Gordon and Scott were nicer to me than everyone else because I stirred up less drama. I asked him to cut away the outsides of both the hashbrowns and the sausage balls. I wanted to use the insides as they would be less likely to get overcooked.

I started looking for oregano on the spice shelf; I kept finding rosemary instead. I decided to use fresh oregano when it appeared before me and started worrying about how I was going to present the dish when it was finished. I also realized that I would have to somehow infuse the fresh oregano into the already cooked product in order for it to have enough flavor. I cut up slices of lemon and threw them into a pot of water to boil with the oregano and set a vegetable steamer over the top with the hashbrowns and sausage. Scott complimented me on my ingeniousness but questioned the consistency of the final product. I assured him that this would keep everything from drying out as it heated up and I would fry it all together before serving it to make it brown and crispy.

When everything was ready to go, I started looking for the dried oregano again. I thought it was ridiculous that a kitchen wouldn't have any. That is when I woke up.

Now I ask you, what kitchen product could I not advertise in this already twisted dream?

Rules Are Meant to Be Broken

Why I Sleep With a Nightlight
Part II

(Click here for Part I)

The most memorable game of Hide and Seek in the Dark was an almost surreal experience. By surreal I mean scarring. And by almost, I mean with absolute certainty. My aunt and mom were hiding and the kids were seeking. Try as we might, we could not find them. My cousin T and I got bored and decided to let the boys keep looking while we took a break. We climbed up on my parents bed and proceeded to scare the holy hell out of ourselves. I don't know who started it, I wouldn't doubt that it was me and my overactive imagination. We started talking about how it was so dark that you could make yourself see things. It was like when you close your eyes, you can still see pictures and images.

As we described the things we saw, the ideas got creepier and creepier. The only thing I remember specifically was one of us saying there was a claw creeping over the edge of the bed. We started screaming and did not stop even when all the boys stampeded into the room to our rescue. Hysterically we told them how we had freaked ourselves out. After we calmed down, we had a mini conference to discuss the situation we were facing. We had been looking for them for over an hour unable to find them and had to face facts. It was time to break one of the rules.

The amount of dedication we had to keeping the game rules intact amazes me. Not one of us even contemplated turning on the lights. I could be remembering this incorrectly, but we didn't even turn the lights on during the screaming. The boys had to calm us down in the dark. It was extremely important that we not violate their hiding places. After much discussion, it was decided that we would give up. We all went into the bathroom and waited while my cousin E broadcasted the terms of our surrender throughout the house. We would retreat to the bathroom and make a lot of noise to cover up any sounds they might make extracting themselves from where they had hidden. They could come out without worrying about discovery. Then he joined us and closed the door as he yelled, "Olly, olly oxen free!"

Ten minutes passed and nobody came to get us. To say my family is stubborn is an understatement. We assumed that they weren't going to come out even though we couldn't find them. So we decided we were just going to stop looking for them. We went out into the living room. For some reason during this particular game, the living room curtains had not been closed. This gave us enough light to see; it was eerie and ghostly. After the screaming earlier, we were all a little tense. I don't remember what we talked about but I do know that E and I were a little worried.

It is funny to think back on how we started taking charge of the situation. We quietly discussed between ourselves what we thought was really going on while reassuring the younger kids that everything was fine. The only plan we had worked out was that we were just going to keep everyone calm and wait until our moms got bored enough to come out. They had been hiding for almost two hours which was twice as long as we could ever remember a round lasting for so it could only be a matter of time.

During one of these discussions, I happened to look up and see my aunt reflected in the living room window. I whipped around to look at the dining room thinking that she had finally decided to come out. She wasn't there. I turned back around and saw nothing in the window. All I could do was point at the window in mute terror trying to comprehend what I had just seen. E had watched the whole mystifying performance but had not seen what I had. Somehow he managed to get me to explain what was freaking me out. Another conference was had and we decided to look outside. None of us believed that they would hide outside because A) it was against the rules and B) they would have killed any one of us who had dared to go outside in the middle of the night, so there is no way we could have found them if they did. However, we had to find out what was going on and see what was out there.

After much discussion, it was decided that I would be the one to open the door. No one else was willing to do it and the general consensus was that I was the oldest by six months, so it fell to me. Looking back, it seems like a sit-com. We formed a sort of line that went in order from oldest to youngest. I was pushed to the door by the four others clumped behind me to lend me moral support. Taking a deep breath, I reached out and grabbed the door handle. Before I could do anything, I felt the handle turn under my hand. Screaming I flung myself backwards with so much force, I knocked everyone down into a giant heap. At this point, every child there was screaming, yelling, crying and/or peeing while trying to extract themselves from the pile up to run away.

My aunt hurried through the door followed closely by my mom. I don't know how long it took them to calm us down. I do remember being livid and yelling at them for breaking the rules and hiding outside. I wasn't angry that they had scared me so badly I may or may not have peed my pants. I was indignant that they had destroyed the integrity of our game. Especially after we spent so much time preserving it.

It didn't help that they couldn't stop laughing.

Some People Think it is Fun to Make You Wet Your Pants

Why I Sleep With a Nightlight
Part I

When I was about twelve, my dad used to work nights. Every couple of months, my aunt would come down with my two cousins E (12) and T, (10) to have a slumber party with my mom, my brothers R (10), M (8) and me. I know we must have done a lot of fun things, but everything is overshadowed in my memory by the main event of Hide and Seek in the Dark.

We would play kids against the grownups with only three rules. 1. You couldn't go outside. 2. You couldn't turn on the lights. 3. You couldn't give up. You had to search until you found everyone. My mom would turn off the lights and close all the drapes which left only the small kitchen window and appliance lights to break the darkness. This opened up a ton of places to hide.

Because it was pitch black in some rooms, you could pretty much stand in the middle of the floor without being found by sight. Our game was very hands on and even that didn't guarantee success. The seeker might touch you and not "find" you. Many times a hider started talking, thinking that they had been found, only to startle the seeker into a blind, screaming panic. I wonder what the neighbors thought was going on. We would have company over, wait for it to get dark and turn off all the lights. Then occasional, random screams of women and children would be heard from the otherwise silent home.

I now have an intense fear of sticking my hand in dark places thanks to my aunt who managed to squeeze herself between the water heater and the furnace in the laundry room. Because we had exhausted every thinkable hiding spot unable to find her, I had finally decided to feel all the way around the interior of the house. Much to my horror, it worked a little too well. As I was feeling hand over hand against the outline of the room, I suddenly felt fabric. This being the laundry room, I thought it was clothing. But it felt like it was wrapped around a tube-shaped object. I started to explore it further, trying to decide what it was, when it started laughing maniacally. Terrified, I screamed bloody murder. It turned out it was my aunt's arm. That was the LAST time I stuck my hand anywhere that was large enough for a body part to hide.

Our house was a typical, three bed, two bath home with a living room and a garage remodeled into a family room. You would think that after a while, the game would get old because all the good hiding spots would be found. You would be underestimating the creativity of my family. One of my brothers hid in the dryer. It took forever to find him. After she found him, my mom told me that she always thought it would be a good hiding spot, but she never expected anyone to actually climb in there. My best spot was on top of the refrigerator. It took forever before my aunt finally found me and taught me an important lesson. I glowed in the dark.

I had very long blond hair and was extremely pale. Any light at all would reflect off of my skin and hair. I had never realized this and since I have never been comfortable in the dark, I always hid in the rooms that weren't completely blacked out. All this time, I had been mediocre at hiding. I had great spots, but was too easily found. Because I was above the line of sight, I may have never been found had she not gotten desperate and looked up. From that night forward, I wore a dark hooded sweatshirt that transformed me into a hide and seek ninja, enabling me to finally pay my aunt back for freaking me the hell out with her disembodied laugh and arm.

I had learned that the best places to hide were right out in the open. People still tried to hide in places where they couldn't be seen if the lights were on and expected everyone else to do the same. I used this to my advantage after I learned what was giving me away in the dark. I finally found sweet revenge on my aunt just by sitting in a living room chair. I put my ninja cloak on backwards with the hood up over my face and tucked my hair into the collar of my shirt. Then I pulled the sleeves down over my hands; sat back and waited. When they couldn't find me, my aunt came through the room again and started feeling along the furniture with her hands. She felt my wrist, covered by the sweatshirt, and started feeling her way up my arm. I pulled off the hood and started to stand up. Terrified she screamed bloody murder.

Scaring her was totally unintentional, but immensely satisfying.

Tomorrow I will give you Part II: Rules Are Made to be Broken